If you are anything like me, dear readers, you often ask yourself, “why don’t Hollywood celebrities speak out about things they don’t really understand?” Every day I turn on the TV and see journalists and pundits giving informed opinions. What about uninformed opinions? And more importantly, what about the uninformed opinions of people with smooth skin, telegenic looks, large breasts and/or rugged shoulders? Why are these voices not heard? Well, you don’t have to ask these questions any longer. We here at Food Court Lunch will do our damnedest to bring you the ignorant and thoughtless comments of the world’s truly oft-forgotten underclass, the idiot celebrity.
“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” Stone said Thursday during a Cannes Film Festival red-carpet interview with Hong Kong’s Cable Entertainment News. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”
Speaking of karma, Sharon Stone made the movie “Sliver” and subsequently suffered a brain aneurysm. The woman may have a point.
Food Court Lunch’s intrepid journalism staff was able to catch up with Ms. Stone this week to give her the opportunity to expound on her “bad things happen to bad people” theory. We provided her with a list of terrible historical tragedies and asked her to explain how exactly karma was involved. Her answers were very insightful.
Why New Orleans deserved it: As we all know, they failed to adequately protest Jean-Claude Van Damme and Wilford Brimley playing Cajuns in “Hard Target”. When you let something terrible like that slide, you are pretty well asking for bad things to happen.
Why Cambodians deserved it: People needed to be punished for their pre-revolutionary lives and crimes and they weren’t going to do it themselves. I’ve often been suspicious of Cambodians with ties to the West myself.
Why the Armenians deserved it: If there is one empire you don’t fuck with, it’s the Ottoman empire. They should have seen it coming. If I had a nickel for everyone who thought that they could double-cross Enver Pasha and get away with it, I’d be a rich woman. You mess with the bull, you get the genocide. It’s just common sense.
Why Indians/Thais/Sri Lankans/Indonesians deserved to die: Once you start taking American telemarketing and call centre jobs, bad things start to happen. The chickens come home to roost, so to speak. To put it bluntly, I don’t lose a lot of sleep over this.
Why Americans deserved it: No American deserved to die, especially not at the hands of an American government plot to blow up the towers and frame the terrorists.
Why the Jews deserved it: They were just acting too Jew-y. You know what I am talking about. That thing they do. That thing. That thing. You know. Come on, don’t make me say it. I don’t want to look like an anti-Semite. But you know what I mean — that thing. I was married to one, you know. His name was Bronstein. Bronstein! I can’t be an anti-Semite because of that. You know, that thing they do. That thing. Oh, wait, my agent is waving at me. What’s he saying?….Oh. I should probably stop talking now.
Huh. Um, thanks, Sharon. That was very…informative. Come back to the site next week when Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy and actress Bai Ling discuss the following topic: “The Iranian Nuclear Program — how your horoscope can affect it!”
In the wake of the recent death of former professional wrestler Chase Tatum, World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon has announced that his company will introduce a permanent “In Memoriam” segment to its flagship RAW program, which airs each Monday night on the USA Network. The segment, which will lead off the two-hour broadcast, will provide a retrospective on the life and career of the wrestler(s) who has died that previous week.
“From both a personal and a business standpoint, it makes perfect sense,” said McMahon at a press conference announcing the move. “Each and every one of these men and women deserve their own tribute honouring the dedication they have shown and the sacrifices they have made for this business that we love. And, quite frankly, tribute shows we have done in the past have garnered some of our highest ratings. Any way you look at it, it’s a win-win.”
McMahon has also announced plans for several product tie-ins that will coincide with the introduction of the new segment. Starting next week, the company will begin selling authentic versions of its ring bells, so that viewers will be able to chime along at home during the customary “ten bell salute.” And this coming August, the WWE will be releasing a three-DVD “best of” set of its past “In Memoriams”, which will feature both old and previously unreleased footage of tributes to deceased WWE Superstars including Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, Yokozuna, Ray “The Big Bossman” Traylor, Davey Boy Smith, Rick Rude, Curt “Mr. Perfect” Henning, Miss Elizabeth, Earthquake, Brian “Crush” Adams, The Junkyard Dog, Hercules Hernandez, Big John Studd, Road Warrior Hawk, Dino Bravo, Sherri Martel, Bam Bam Bigelow, Crash Holly, Kerry Von Erich, Uncle Elmer, Bad News Brown and Little Beaver.
A joint WCW/ECW DVD will be released sometime in Q1 2009.
I once read in a book by Gary Larsen that a particular newspaper that carried “Family Circus” and “The Far Side” side by side on its comics page routinely reversed the captions for the two comics by accident. Not surprisingly, both the Family Circus strip and The Far Side strip were funnier after the accidental switch.
Alright, Spokane, this is getting a little out of hand. Your smug sense of superiority is wearing a little thin north of the 49th parallel… We’ve put up with your slick, big city ways for years, but now you’ve gone too far!! You think just because you’re “Spokane” that everyone is supposed to genuflect at the very mention of your name and service your unspeakable sexual whims involving farm animals, grass seed and synthetic oils. Well no more!! Do you hear me Spokane?!? Your time in the spotlight is over! Your days were numbered the minute you messed with this:
That’s right - the Memorial Cup. At least, that’s what it used to be called. Then the captain of your precious Spokane Chiefs decided to turn it into the Memorial Awkwardly Shaped Quadrilateral. Ass. What, your indoor plumbing, paved streets and covered malls weren’t good enough for you?! You had to go out and crush the spirit of a nation by destroying the second-most beloved trophy in the country’s history? You sicken me, Spokane (and I am not a huge fan of your surrounding areas either. That’s right, Millwood - I am talking to you!).
Let’s re-live the tragedy:
Sorry, wrong clip. That one was tolerable. Brace yourself for some real humanity:
Sickening. I am at a loss for words… But here are a few:
So here’s the deal - give us the remaining pieces of our beloved trophy back, and we’ll let you continue to service the medical and shopping needs of southern portions of Alberta and B.C.
To sweeten the deal, we’ll also let you lay claim (or other objects) to: Anne Murray, Celine Dion, Luba, Bryan Adams (post-1988), Pacey from Dawson’s Creek, Sean Avery, the Saskatchewan Roughriders, 50% of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Corey Hart, the term “chesterfield”, Alanis Morrisette, the Barenaked Ladies, the delicious juice made from clams and tomatoes (Clamato), the Parliamentary system (subject to receiving consent from the Queen), David Lynch, parts of Baffin Island, and snow (both the rapper and the form of precipitation).
We look forward to receiving the remnants of our heritage at your earliest convenience.
Let’s see who the Toronto Star is sourcing as the pulse of the blogosphere:
For example, most critics felt the pastiche, crazy quilt print of Canadian and Chinese graphics was simply too over the top. Bloggers were cruel. One suggested the models looked like members of a “white trash lynch mob.” At water coolers across Canada office workers giggled that the head gear made the men look like Zoolander.
White trash lynch mob? That’s catchy. Who wrote that?
Oh, that’s who. They’re right, you know. Bloggers are cruel.
ST. PETERSBURG, Florida - Two A.L. East rivals pulled off an unprecedented trade this week, with Toronto shipping its “Blue” off to Tampa Bay in exchange for the recently inactivated “Devil”. The partial nickname swap, believed to be the first of its kind in pro sports history, should provide boosts to both clubs in areas in which they have been sorely lacking.
“When you are in a division with the Yankees and Red Sox, there is always the danger of being bullied right out of contention,” said Toronto G.M. J.P. Ricciardi. “We felt that bringing in the Devil gave us some much needed street cred. Hopefully invoking the Dark Lord and his “win-at-all-costs” credo will provide a real jump to our struggling offence, which in turn will take some of the ‘heat’ off of [Jays’ hitting coach Gary] Denbo.” Ricciardi added, “[t]hat was a pun I just made there.”
The new Devil Jays' logo, designed by contest winner Amelia Boucher, 6, of Fonthill, Ontario
“The deal made perfect sense for us,” said Tampa Bay’s Executive V.P. of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedman. “I mean, we weren’t using the ‘Devil’ anyway. And the revenue stream from our licensing agreement with Sony will go a long way towards offsetting our anemic attendance and our team’s imminent implosion. Let’s face it, no one expects us to actually win this division, least of all me. So we’ve got to scrape up the dollars wherever we can. Say, this is off the record, right?”
News of the move quickly spread around the league, and other teams may be following suit. Cleveland owner Larry Dolan has announced that, in an effort to “clear up any lingering doubt as to whether our nickname is meant to offend”, he intends to aggressively pursue Boston’s “Red”. The rumoured deal would see the Indians offer ace C.C. Sabathia, along with fourteen crates of blankets.
We here at Food Court Lunch are pretty big fans of Deadspin, but we are constantly frustrated by their ongoing “Media Approval Ratings” series. In the series, Deadspin selects high profile sports media personalities and has its readers vote on whether they approve or disapprove of the personality in question. It’s quick, it’s easy and it provides an efficient segue into dick jokes by the commenters. What more do you want from an article? Well, the truth is, a lot more. Where are the Canadians? We Canadians have no fucking clue who most of these media people are. We don’t get ESPN. We get TSN. We get Sportsnet. We get the Score. As such, we are taking matters into our own hands. And by “taking matters into our own hands”, we mean that we are blatantly infringing on the intellectual property of Deadspin and the Gawker Media Group and stealing the “Media Approval Ratings” concept for ourselves. However, we are doing it “Canadian-style”. That means more maple syrup, British spelling and the correct pronounciation of “niche”. (Seriously, when is “nitch” a fucking word?)
If only we were a few years younger, richer, better looking and had a personality…we would have snapped her up when we had the chance. Oh, you’re saying we never had a chance? I have a hand down my trousers and an active imagination that fervently disagree. The comely Ms. Hedger had an interesting debut on Canadian television — she was a reality TV contestant (well, resident) on Life Network’s U8TV - The Lofters.
This is my generation. (Silent weeping)
Amazingly, she parlayed that appearance into the role of anchor on SportsCentre, where she does a remarkably competent job. If only other reality show participants could make the transition as smoothly as she did (although we did hear that Richard Hatch just killed as MC of a federal prison fashion show). Gourmet Spud doesn’t like her voice, but fuck him. He discounts any vocal sound that doesn’t have an Irish lilt and a drunken slur. Ms. Hedger is married to a rival sports anchor, Sean McCormick of Sportsnet. This is the Canadian equivalent of Chris Berman dating…is there another sports network in the U.S. besides ESPN? My analogy is falling apart. Chris Berman dating Jillian Barberie? That doesn’t work. I’m pretty sure Barberie doesn’t date anyone. She just mates, drags her partner into the forest and eats him. She almost killed Elisha Cuthbert in Season 2 of “24″.
The last image that an estimated sixteen men in the 25- to 35-year-old age category ever saw. Their corpses were covered with claw-marks, lipstick and cosmo stains.
Anyway, let us know your thoughts on Ms. Hedger — approve or disapprove?
(Oh, before you vote, perhaps this will persuade you one way or another)
Please be sure to vote on behalf of yourself and your inflamed loins.
Duncan: I would like to speak to your manager, please.
Saleswoman: The manager is not in today, sir. I’m the assistant manager. Is there a problem?
Duncan: I certainly hope not. I am here to return some pants that you sold me.
Saleswoman: Okay. Do you have a receipt?
Duncan: (defensive) Um, no, I don’t have a receipt.
Saleswoman: Alright. Can I see the pants?
(Duncan pulls a pair of khakis from the bag. The pants are ragged, and covered in paint. One knee has been patched up, while the other is worn through.)
Saleswoman: Uh…sir…
Duncan: These pants were much too tight and I found them very itchy. I’d like a full refund, please. And if you don’t mind, I’m in a hurry.
Saleswoman: Sir, you can’t return these pants.
Duncan: (incredulous) Wha-what do you mean I can’t return them?
Saleswoman: Sir, these pants have obviously been worn a number of times. It looks like you have also used them to paint in…
Duncan: (voice getting higher) What do you mean they’ve been worn?
Saleswoman: …not to mention that we haven’t carried this style in over two years.
Duncan: (arms in front, palms facing upwards, voice now quite high) What are you talking about? I just bought them! My friends were with me. They’ll tell you. (turns around) Robert!
(Robert Horry is trying on hats a few feet away. He walks over to the counter.)
Horry: What seems to be the problem here? Don’t tell me she is giving you a hard time about returning the pants?
Duncan: She is! Can you believe it? She is trying to say I didn’t just buy these here!
Horry: What? That’s crazy! I was with you when you bought them!
Duncan: I know! That’s what I was trying to tell her!
Saleswoman: (rolls eyes)
Horry: It wasn’t just me, either. Tony was there, too. (turns around) Tony! (looks around) Tony?
(Tony Parker is lying on his back a few feet away, yelling at a janitor with a mop.)
Parker: What iz zee meaning of zis? Zis floor iz tooslipp-ah-ree! Did you not theenk to put up a sign to warn pee-pill?
Janitor: (confused) But…but I haven’t started mopping yet…
Parker: (slowly rises to feet) You are luh-kee I do not sue! (marches over to counter) What iz zee problem ‘ere, Teem? Do not tell me she iz giving you trouble about zee pants?
Duncan: She is!
Parker: But I was ‘ere when you bought zem!
Duncan: I know!
Horry: So was I!
Saleswoman: Look, guys, I know what you are trying to do here, but I am not returning those pants.
Duncan: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) Wha-what do you mean what we are trying to do?
Parker: What are you trying to say ‘ere, madame?
Saleswoman: Look…
Horry: No, you look. You sold my friend some shoddy merchandise, and you should stand by it. Unless, that is, you don’t have pants-returning privileges, Miss…(stares at name tag)…assistant manager.
Duncan: Snap!
Janitor: That was a cheap shot.
Parker: (to janitor) You stay owt of zis!
Saleswoman: (to Duncan) Look, sir, I don’t know how stupid you and your friends think…
Duncan: (eyes wide, rapidly shaking head) Ex-excuse me…did you just say my friends were stupid?
Saleswoman: No, I said I don’t know…
Horry: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) What do you mean we are stupid?
Parker: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) What does she mean?
All: (voices extremely high)What do you mean?
Saleswoman: (fists clenched, head down) Enough…
All: (spinning wildly) What does she mean? What does she mean?
Saleswoman: (shouting) ENOUGH!
(Silence. Parker continues spinning.)
Saleswoman: ALRIGHT! YOU WIN! (to Duncan) You! (slams paper down on counter) Fill out this form!
Duncan: Well, it’s about time. (fills out form)
(Parker, slightly dizzy, collapses to floor.)
Saleswoman: (opens register, slams money down on counter) Here is your $22.50, sir.
Duncan: (haughty, eyes closed) Thank you.
Saleswoman: And I don’t ever want to see any of you back in this store again.
Duncan: Oh, don’t you worry about that. Let’s go, fellas.
(Parker rises to feet. The three men walk towards the exit.)
Parker: (to janitor) You should be more careful!
Janitor: (slowly shakes head)
(Duncan, Horry and Parker stand in front of the store.)
Horry: (rubs hands together)So what should we do with the money?
Duncan: Grab some lunch? How about East Side Mario’s?
Horry: But we don’t have enough for all of us!
Duncan: (rolls eyes)Oh, Robert. All those rings, but still so much to learn. Tony, do you have any of Eva’s hair with you?
Parker: (pulls Ziploc bag from purse) Always.
Duncan: Then I have a feeling the cooks at East Side’s are going to be sorry they forgot to wear their hairnets.
Horry: What do you…ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Parker: Teem calls it ze “Bah-da-boom, bah-da-beeng”!
Horry: I’ll tell Manu to come meet us.
(All start giggling uncontrollably as they run off down the street.)
After successfully eliminating the scourge of performancing-enhancing drugs from the sport of baseball, Bud Selig needs a new war to wage. Enter the dreaded maple bat.
The kindly old face of the enemy.
Are these baseball bats really a serious threat to the game of baseball? There’s only one way to find out: sleuthing! As you well know, the journalists at Food Court Lunch will stop at nothing to bring you the truth behind today’s sports headlines. After three days of dumpster diving, mailroom blowjobs and hidden microphones taped to our genitals, we thought to ourselves, “maybe we should look into this maple bat issue.” So we broke into Bud Selig’s office and stole this confidential letter. Looks to us like this maple bat issue isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
May 21, 2008
Mr. Jeffrey Loria
Owner, Florida Marlins
2267 Dan Marino Boulevard
Miami, Florida 33056
Dear Jeffrey:
It’s been awhile since I have heard from you. I know how things get in the world of fine art. As I understand it, it’s exactly like owning a car leasing business, which, believe me, brother, is no piece of cake. Anyway, I’m just dropping you a line to see how things are. On behalf of the rest of us here at MLB headquarters, we have to tell you how impressed we are by the way you are running the Marlins. Last in MLB payroll? First in the NL East? How do you do it, Jeffrey? You go out of your way to scrounge every last dollar out of your franchise, fans and team performance be damned, and still you wind up in first place. It’s the Bizarro Marlins. You must be shitting golden horseshoes – there’s no other way to explain it. Or is there? A Faustian bargain, perhaps? You don’t have to tell me, Jeffrey — I know these things. How else could I have obtained this luscious head of hair?
Anyway, I thought that I should let you know about something that is sure to amuse you. I, as Commissioner of Major League Baseball, have taken it upon myself to rid myself of the greatest scourge known to the game today. No, not performance-enhancing drugs, Jeffrey – we have no official knowledge of that. No, it’s maple bats. These things are an absolute menace, shattering willy-nilly and putting everyone’s lives in danger. I cannot believe that such a problem has….ah, shit – just kidding. Fucking maple bats. Can you believe I just made that one up? Maple bats!!! Seriously, Jeffrey, it was either that or Big League Chew (I was going to blame it for epidemic diabetes rates among players). Where do I come up with this shit? And the funny thing is, people take me seriously. Maple bats? Sounds like code for Canadian cock. Unbelievable. I can make this shit up and folks are all over it like these bats were being used to kill seal pups. You know what they say about absolute power – it rocks absolutely! God, I love being Commissioner.
The reason why I thought I’d let you know about this is because, get this: these bats are actually made by Canadians. If anyone knows anything about fucking over Canadians, it’s you. It’s fantastic. Truly liberating. I can see why you did it so often - they are so damn passive! I could beat Matt Stairs to death with a maple bat and all I’d get is some disapproving clucking. I am a God, Jeffrey, especially to those saps. (Saps, maple – I am on a total roll here!) I can do anything I want to them. Do you want the Blue Jays, Jeffrey? They’re yours. Fuck it, move them to Portland, Virginia, anywhere you want. Christ, make them your farm team – I don’t give a shit. I just sent two men to kill Jason Bay. Why? Because Bud says so, that’s why. Ferguson Jenkins? I made him change his name to Beaver-Tits Maple-Bottom. Either that or he’s out of the Hall of Fame. Erik Bedard? Mowing my lawn. Rich Harden? I sent those two guys to hurt him, but he had already taken care of it himself. In fact, I’m thinking about giving Montreal another team just so that I can get another shot at getting rid of Youppi. It’s good to be the King, Jeffrey – very good.
Be sure to come out in support of the maple bat ban. It would be like pouring salt in their wounds. If you play your cards right, Jeffrey, there could be a Vancouver franchise in the offing for you. Well, at least until about five years in when you move them to Alabama. Fuck them, eh?
For whatever reason, God, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to bless me with two great skills in life: the first set of songs on Guitar Hero III (Medium), and Wheel of Fortune. I am only being slightly delusional in saying that if I ever found myself in serious financial trouble, to the tune of $25,000 to $50,000, I could easily take care of it by hopping on a plane to Culver City, California, and spending an afternoon with Pat and Vanna.
So I was pretty excited when I came across this Wheel of Fortune puzzle generator, which allowed me to design my own clues. I would try to come up with really hard ones that I didn’t think I would be able to solve. No dice. I got every single one.
But how about you, hotshot? Do you have what it takes to roll with the Wheel? Below are fifteen sports-themed WOF puzzles. See how many you can solve, and feel free to email us your answers at foodcourtlunch@foodcourtlunch.com. You won’t win anything, but you’ll kill at least fifteen minutes. And really, isn’t that all any of us is looking for?
DISCLAIMER: In the event that you are inexplicably confused by our site, this is parody (poorly executed, but parody nonetheless). For the sake of clarity, however, please note that the opinions expressed in the Comments section of this site are NOT moderated or endorsed in any way by the authors of this site, who do not understand HTML and can scarcely manage to post items themselves
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