Disclosure time: when we started this website last August, we fully expected that we would retire very wealthy within eight months.  Unfortunately, with that target date fast approaching, we are still being employed against our wills and don’t have a dime to show for our efforts.  This got us to thinking, “what are we doing wrong?”

Then we noticed that Horton Hears a Who! cleaned up at the box office this past weekend, and it dawned on us: we’ve been going after the wrong demographic!  All this time we have been writing articles aimed at people like ourselves - namely, 21 - 36 year old fans of sports and popular culture with a crippling fear of zombies but little disposable income.  However, the real money is in the childrens’ market.  Hannah Montana, The Wiggles, Larry the Cable Guy - all of these folks are rolling in green right now because they had the good sense to focus their efforts on those tiniest of consumers.

So we are going to try a new approach, at least for today, and start writing some more kid-friendly posts.  And we thought we would start by blatantly stealing from one of our old favourites, Encyclopedia Brown!  We hope this change in direction will allow at least one of us to quit our jobs (preferably Butter Chicken, who works as a fundraiser for an organization of Holocaust deniers).  At the very least, we hope it will cover our legal fees for the inevitable copyright suit by Donald J. Sobol.

So gather around, mystery-lovers between the ages of 7-14, as we present our first kid-friendly posting - it’s Encyclopedia Brown in The Case of the Cake at the ESPYs.  We hope you enjoy (and if any of your parents are powerful advertising executives specializing in new media, would you be a dear and put them in touch?):

The Case of the Cake at the ESPYs

Encyclopedia Brown walked into Hollywood’s Kodak Theatre on a hot July night.  “Encyclopedia, I’m glad you are here,” said basketball superstar Chris Paul.  “Something terrible has happened.  Please, come with me.”  Chris lead Encyclopedia down a hallway towards the backstage area of the ESPY Awards, which had concluded less than an hour before.  “I feel terrible.  I invited famous playwright/director/actor/New Orelans native Tyler Perry to be here as my guest tonight, and someone has stolen from him.  That’s why I called you.”

“I am glad to help,” said Encyclopedia.

“And thanks so much for coming on such short notice,” said Chris.  “I know this is a long way from Idaville.”

“Not a problem,” said Encyclopedia.  “My fee is 25 cents an hour, plus expenses.  Speaking of which, my flight was $2700, and my room at the Hilton is $480 per night.  I also had a Mars bar.”

“That’s fine,” replied Chris.  “I only hope you can help us find what’s been stolen.  Here we are, right this way.”

(more…)

A critical look into the day’s top headlines

Ireland’s leaders urge nation not to drink too much on St. Patrick’s Day; Nation: “Fuck right off”

For those of you unfamiliar with a millenium’s worth of stereotype reinforcement, the Irish love to drink.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Drunken dad forced children to stab pet cat; Cat: “Can I haz anty-septik?”

Nothing funny to say here.  Just a reminder that Food Court Lunch is court-ordered to report on all cat cruelty-related stories as part of the plea bargain arrangement.

Woman sues airline over masturbating man, seeks vigorous shampooing (more…)

Once a year, in this frozen wasteland we call Canada, people from all walks of life unite in their shared passion for the greatest sport on earth. From Dildo, Newfoundland to Iqaluit, Nunavut, from Smuts, Saskatchewan to Ochiichagwebabigoining, Ontario, Cannucks put aside their political, cultural and sexual differences in order to pay homage to an annual event that transcends both social divides and the space-time continuum. The frenetic pace of life in the Tundra is restored to a tranquil equilibrium as a nation gathers to honour the Sport of Kings: CURLING! For it is once again the season of the Brier, my friends… The Season of Champions!

For those poor souls who are not familiar with The Brier, for shame! Life without the Brier is simply not a life worth living… Nonetheless, far be it for me to judge those less fortunate than I, for that is anathema to the sacred curling code. Rather, allow me to share the riches of this wonderous sport of curling and its most glorious of tournaments:

The Brier

The Brier (officially known as the “Tim Horton’s Brier”, unofficially known as “Middle-Aged Gay Sex on Ice”) is the annual Canadian men’s curling championship, sanctioned by the Canadian Curling Association (or as we here in the Great White North call it, “CanCuAss”). The first such tournament was held in 1927, when the King of Canada (Lord Percy von Frozenscrotum) convened the finest curlers in all the land to entertain his new mistress, Anne Murray.

(more…)

Inside of small warehouse.  Early morning.

Roger Federer: Good-morning-Thierry.  I-would-like-to-exchange-pleasantries.

Thierry Henry: ‘Allo, Ro-jer, ‘ow are you?

Federer: Well-I-am-about-to-make-another-two-hundred-thousand-currency-units-so-I-would-have-to-say-that-I-am-doing-pretty-good.

Both laugh.

Federer: Hu-mour.

Henry: Iz joke.

Federer: Hello-Tiger-Woods.

Tiger Woods walks on set.

Tiger Woods: Feds, how are you, buddy?  High five!

Exchange awkward high five.

Woods: Thierry, how you doing, my man?

Henry: ‘Allo, Ti-gur.

Attempt to exchange high five; Tiger pokes Henry in forehead.

Woods: Oops, sorry about that.

Henry: Iz fine.

A voice speaks from behind a large, sealed booth.  The glass in the booth is one-way so no one can see in.

Voice: Good morning, gentlemen.  Are we ready to get started?

Federer: Affirmative.

Woods: Yeah, let’s get started.  I’ve got a Buick shoot at 2:30, and I have to hit four thousand balls before dinner.

Federer: (to Henry, softly) Thierry-a-query: why-have-we-not-been-allowed-to-engage-with-the-director?  This-is-our-third-commercial-and-he-has-not-once-come-out-from-behind-the-glass.

Henry: I ‘ear he iz a great artiste, Ro-jer, very eccentric.  He does not like to meet ze actors.  He feelz it ‘elps to maintain a creative dis-tans.

Voice: Alright, guys, today we are going to continue on the same theme we’ve been using in the earlier commercials.  Really light, playful.  We want to showcase your personalities, and bring to light the human side of three magnificent champions.

Woods: Sounds good.  What do you want us to do?

Voice: Over in the corner we have some equipment from your respective sports.  We want to get some footage of you guys just hanging out, goofing around.

Woods: Fine.  (walks over to pile) Feds, here’s the racket.  Henry, the soccer ball…

Voice: Actually, we are going to try something a bit different.  To showcase your versatility, we want shots of you trying one of the other guys’ sports .

Federer: Does-not-compute.

Voice: It’s simple, Roger.  Just take a few swings with that golf club.  Thierry, if you could start swinging that tennis racket that would be great.  Tiger, think you could handle the soccer ball?

Woods: Sure, I’ll give it a whirl.

Federer: (swinging golf club) I-am-finding-this-enjoyable.

Voice: (sly) Yes, yes, that’s it.  It’s fun, isn’t it gentlemen?

Henry: Look at me, I am Yannick Noah!

Voice: So would you say you are finding it enjoyable playing with the other guy’s equipment?

Woods: (dribbling ball expertly) I’ll say. 

Voice: (quietly) Got it.

(more…)

…Nickelback merely puts it in Nickelback’s mouth to win a bet.

Regardless of whether you’re gay or straight, we’d like to think we’ve ruined whatever meal it is you’re eating.

Several teens in Ajax, Ontario were charged with participating in a street race that resulted in one of the vehicles crashing. What kind of cars are the kids racing these days?

Kevin Martineau, 18, of Wigston Court in Whitby is charged with racing, as are two 17-year-olds from Ajax whose names are protected by law. Police seized three vehicles — a 1996 Pontiac Torrent, a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix and a 1997 Chevy Venture van — they allege were involved in the racing incident.

Guess which of the vehicles crashed (or, more accurately, went out of control, struck a tree and came to rest on its side on a hydrant)? You have one guess.

I am pretty sure that’s the automotive equivalent of bringing a knife to a gun fight.

*Only Client 9 knows for sure, but for $4,300… 

“We’re all adults here - we can talk about this openly…PROSTITUTION! But what does that mean really? Sometimes it helps to understand a word if you break it down, so let’s do that now shall we? Pros… it doesn’t mean anything, you can forget about that… Tit, I think we all know what that means, Tu, two tit and TION of course, from the Latin to shun… to say uh-uh no thank you anyway I don’t want it, to push away… it doesn’t even belong in this word really.”

When we first learned of Spitzer’s involvement with the Emperor’s Club V.I.P. (many thanks to Fruit Smoothie for his tireless hours of “research”), we planned to join in the collective shunning of this one time Presidential hopeful with moral outrage and a tersely written piece on morality and family values. However, since the story broke we have all been too busy exercising our “Spitzer Exemption” to search for other “examples” of how the internet has degenerated into a cesspool of filth and pornography… making it pretty much business as usual here in the foodcourt.

So while we wait to learn how this caped crusader, the “Albany Adulterer” if you will, spins his way out of this little gem* we are asking our reader(s) (that means you Steve) to join in the fun by completing the following statement from Spitzer’s forthcoming apology:

“I apologize to my family, the people of New York and those who placed their trust in me, but I [insert comically inappropriate excuse for attempting to transport a hooker across state lines].”

 *We’re guessing he goes with prescription drugs… Patrick Kennedy style.

A New York Bagel Original

A critical look into the day’s top headlines

John Denver karaoke sparks Thai killing spree; Gordon Lightfoot concert hastily postponed

To be sure, this is a sad story indeed.  However, I was strangely comforted to learn that “‘Country Roads’ is a hugely popular song in Southeast Asia”.

Rambo fighting alongside rebels in Myanmar.  Chuck Norris winning hearts and minds in Iraq.  Can Steven Seagal in The Congo be far off?  I hear Screwface has been terrorizing locals again.

Wow.  Constantly threatening to punch one’s wife in the face seems so quaint by these countries’ standards.  Puts a new edge on the word “suffrage”. (more…)

As a public service to the sporting community, we have decided to use our tiny little piece of the Internet to try and reunite sports personalities with lost items near and dear to their hearts.  If found, please contact administrator.  They would do it for you.

Have you seen…

T.J. Ford

…My Shot Selection?  Last Seen Near Trade Value (Also Missing).

Michael Vick

…My Irish Spring? I Just Had It…

Daniel Alfredsson

…My Playoffs? 

Shaun Alexander

…My Resume?

Lyle Overbay

…My Baseball And/Or Weiner?

Phil Mickelson

…My Cup Sizes (3)? (See Related Classified re: Quality Manziers, Slightly Sweat-Stained).

(more…)

Hey, Wire Fans! I hope you are looking forward to the series finale of The Wire. I sure am. I can hardly get this smile off my face!

[SPOILER ALERT!] 

If you don’t watch The Wire, HBO’s gritty take on the mean streets of Baltimore, Maryland, I would suggest you stop reading right now. Why? Because I am going to go “spoiler crazy”, and basically tell you how the series is going to end. I am sure all the true fans will want to know, because fans love spoilers, but for you non-Wireites, this is going to go way over your head.

I have been watching The Wire since it began airing in 2002, and, if I do say so myself, I am its biggest fan and perhaps the world’s foremost expert on the show. I spend a lot of time alone watching it on TV, so I really know what I am talking about. Also, I have corresponded with David Simon, the show’s creator, over 65 times since 2002. True, he has not replied to any of my letters, and I don’t recall any of my fan fiction actually being turned into a script for the show, but I still like to think that I serve as his muse. Why, I often watch an episode and think to myself, “Nice job, David. McNulty is riding in a police car — just like how I told you to do it. I guess you were really listening.”

I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the show. I know every scene, every character, and every plot that has ever appeared in a Wire episode. I have graphed it all on a series of charts in my bedroom. As such, I think I can safely predict what is going to happen in the final episode. Without an further adieu, prepare to be entertained!

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