We have no idea whether or not our campaign to drum up Canadian Blog Awards votes for our website has been successful or not. We won’t find out until next week. Does this mean we rest on our laurels until then? Not fucking likely. The categories (and links to voting) are:
C’mon, people. Free entertainment! Where else can you get that but at Food Court Lunch and a billion other sites on the internet? If that isn’t persuasive, we have made a list of fifty things that you should feel guilty about. If this enormous guilt trip isn’t enough to trigger your conscience and convince you to vote for us, you are pretty well dead inside. You might as well strap on the knee pads and suck dick for small bills.
Fresh off a pyrrhic victory in the “entertainment/cultural blog” category in round one of the Canadian Blog Awards, Food Court Lunch has decided to cash in on its newfound cultural credibility by sending one of its intrepid cultural beat reporters to Monster Jam 2008 in Toronto to soak up the cultural crapulence of this microcosm of the North American way of life. Monster Jam is the premier monster truck circuit in the world, and it deserves the highhanded, sweeping dismissal that only an established blog like Food Court Lunch can provide. What follows is Blue Menu’s exclusive live-blog* of this storied event.
*ed. note: “Live” probably isn’t the right word here.
[1:40pm]: [Stuck in traffic.] Traffic into downtown Toronto is at a standstill, which is odd for a Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. I haven’t seen this many pickup trucks clogging the roads since the province of Saskatchewan invaded during the Grey Cup of 2007. Cultural awakening, here I come!
[1:50pm]: As I line up to make my way into the Rogers Centre (nee Skydome), I can’t help but notice that I’m underdressed. I mean, if there’s a dress code, then the ticket should clearly say so. As it is, I can’t even begin to think of where I would get a Polaris jacket and sweatpants at this hour anyway.
[2:00pm]: I find my seat about halfway up the 200 level, wedged between two 50-year-old+ men, both wearing Gravedigger(tm) hats. Naively, I had assumed that the monster truck crowd would be largely limited to pre-teen boys and their parents, but there are quite a few childless adults (who, ultimately, should know better) and even adult men with girlfriends/wives in tow. Which makes me wonder: how much would you have to hate your wife to force her to sit through a monster truck show? (more…)
We here at Food Court Lunch are always on the lookout for simple gimmicks upon which we can base lazy posts. In that regard, we bring you…The Food Court Lunch Guide to Levels of Regret. Month number six and we are already phoning it in. Get used to it, people.
THE FOOD COURT LUNCH GUIDE TO LEVELS OF REGRET
We all regret things that we have done. Mean things we have said, condoms we didn’t wear, graves we dug too shallow — these dark clouds constantly hang over our heads. But how do we determine what we regret the most? By creating an arbitrary scale by which to measure that regret. Behold!
THE THEME OF THE DAY: TRIPS TO THE MOVIES/THEATRE
LEVEL: LOW
Hank Moody’s trip to the movies in “Californication”.
Some would think that the above message would be sufficient to convince our readers to vote for us. Well, no, it’s not sufficient unless our competition has been soundly insulted and degraded. That’s us — Food Court Lunch: treating other websites like shit since 2007.
Food Court Lunch is renowned for its commitment to entertainment and culture, often both at the same time. Sure, we like Larry the Cable Guy, but being cultured, we refer to him as Lawrence the Cable Gentleman. We have stopped using homophobic slurs to refer to male ballet dancers for several days weeks now. We are no longer members of a jug band. In short, we are true men of the arts.
Thankfully, the other members of Bigg Juggs have decided to carry on without us.
As experts on entertainment and culture, we have the following deeply-held but ill-informed opinions about our so-called “competition”:
As a leader in the fields of sports, news and microbiology, Food Court Lunch is often privy to information that the unwashed masses (i.e., you) are not. I’m sorry - that’s just how unfair life can be… Fortunately for you, we are also desperate for attention and friends, so we pretty much share any such information with the world as soon as it comes into our possession. Today is no exception!!
We recently got our hands on a confidential memo that was circulated inside the Toronto Maple Leafs’ organization yesterday afternoon in the wake of the announcement that Cliff Fletcher will be replacing Ferguson as the team’s GM. As you will see, the changes that will be ushered in by this changing of the guard are most impressive indeed…
TO: MLSE
FROM: Cliff Fletcher
RE: Personnel Moves
First of all, let me thank you all once again for this opportunity. There was only so much nursing home bingo I could play before I went crazy. Being named interim GM of the Maple Leafs will at least get me outside a little more.
I remember when I first started with the Leafs. The year was 1991, I was a spry 53 years old, and I wore an onion on my belt (which was the style at the time). It occurred to me that what the team needed was a star. So I brought Doug Gilmour on board, and at least temporarily had the city believing in the team again.
Now, I know that it’s a different time. I’m hip, I’m with it, I know what the kids are into. These world wide interwebs seem to have proven that being a star is pretty much the only thing that matters anymore. And since we don’t have a scouting department to speak of, I’ve gone ahead and fired all of our players. Don’t panic - I have a vision.
Unfortunately, we can’t bring on any “hockey stars,” per se. Or anyone familiar with the sport of hockey, for that matter. Nevertheless, our media relations group (henceforth known as our “scouting department”) has already uncovered some great talent. It turns out that our fans will show up and cheer on pretty much anyone wearing one of our jerseys, thus happily making a complete lack of hockey ability not necessarily a “dealbreaker.” Accordingly, instead of making hockey players into stars, we’ll just make stars into hockey players. It’s genius!!
So, without futher ado, I present to you the starting lineup for the Toronto Maple Leafs (complete with scouting reports), effective immediately:
RW, Mike Myers, Scarborough, Ontario
ASSETS: Is at all the home games anyhow.
FLAWS: A holdover from the Ferguson era, insists that we call him Love Guru
POTENTIAL: At least fans will have a genuine reason to laugh at post-game interviews
Before the body was even cold, Fred Phelps and his delightful compatriots at the Westboro Baptist Church rushed in and spit on Heath Ledger’s corpse. Apparently God, much like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, was more of a “Crash” fan than a “Brokeback Mountain” fan.
I enjoy the moral single-mindedness of any organization that equates portraying a homosexual in a film with being a homosexual. Under that line of reasoning, we will be starting the war crimes trial for Bruno Ganz in Nuremberg later this year.
The first category is logical for our blog. There are four of us contributing to it — ergo, a group. Sure, it seems like a participation badge more than an actual award, but we are pretty stoked about it. It will be our own Dundie award:
The second category is also a logical fit for Food Court Lunch. Nothing says entertainment and culture like our site. Also, nothing says friendless chronic masturbators like our site. It’s a yin-yang thing.
To be clear, we masturbate with our yangs.
You all know the main reason to vote for us: we will kill your family if you don’t. That being said, our willingness to end the lives of those near and dear to you may not be enough to put us ahead against such lofty Canadian Blog Awards competition. As such, we’re going negative.
With that in mind, let’s discuss our competition in the category of Best Group Blog:
Look out, 2 Unlimited. Watch yourself, C&C Music Factory. Not only was I entertained, but I also got $100 for a gold tooth I pried from the mouth of a drunken homeless man!
I believe that “Oliver” is a Dutch name, is it not?
Zey are no Venga Boys, but zey are very, very goot!
Every time the fat cats in NHL management are confronted with the question of what direction the league should take, they invariably choose glitz and glamour over substance. Monday’s announcement by player’s union boss Paul “Showtime” Kelly was no exception. When asked about the prospect of league expansion, Kelly (adorned in a fur coat made from seven different endangered species and studded with blood diamonds) affirmed that the ritzy tri-cities of Winnipeg, Hamilton and Nova Scotia [ed. note- Nova Scotia is not technically a city…] have been short-listed as potential beneficiaries of future expansion.
And why not? What player hasn’t dreamed of strapping on the blades for Steeltown (Ontario) while pursuring a part-time degree in nursing at McMaster, or taking in a post-game show at one of the illustrious playhouses that line Winnipeg’s renowned theatre district?
Beautiful Downtown Hamilton, where the streets are paved with ashphalt…
Our readers completely failed us in the categories of Best Blog, Best New Blog, Best Humour Blog, Best Sports Blog and Best Blog Post. Folks, we appreciate your effort in getting us through to the next round with respect to Best Group Blog and Best Entertainment/Cultural Blog, but you didn’t exactly come out smelling like roses during Phases One to Eight of our World Domination Campaign. Accordingly, we have murdered the following of your loved ones and acquaintances:
- your first kiss (in the case of many of our virgin readers, the first girl in class you ever jerked off to thinking about)
- your mailman
- our mailman
- Regis Philbin
- your sister
- Regis Philbin’s sister
Rest in Peace - 1931 to 2008
We are leaving good old Mom and Dad untouched, at least until the next round. Incentivize — that’s the key to success on the internet.
Round Two begins Wednesday, as does our scorched earth plan for vote creation. Looking forward to it.
Sincerely,
The Food Court Lunch Propaganda and Intimidation Division
DISCLAIMER: In the event that you are inexplicably confused by our site, this is parody (poorly executed, but parody nonetheless). For the sake of clarity, however, please note that the opinions expressed in the Comments section of this site are NOT moderated or endorsed in any way by the authors of this site, who do not understand HTML and can scarcely manage to post items themselves
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