As a sub-par, part-time ”blogger” writing for an unknown not-for-profit website that specializes in shameless self-promotion and a genre best described as “the unfunny”, I get laid. A lot. The simple fact is that chicks are into guys who anonymously express their uninformed opinions in “blog” form on the internet. It’s a power thing.
But believe it or not, it wasn’t always this way for me. Before I hit the proverbial “big time” with the folks at Food Court Lunch, I was neither famous nor sexually attractive to the opposite sex. The epithet “loser” may have even been (unjustly) ascribed to me on various occasions (often by friends and family - both yours and mine). Not until I became a veritable tour-de-force in the glamorous world of blog did I truly receive the recognition that I so richly deserved.
My ride, having recently been pimped thanks to my exorbitant blogger salary…
Now, I know what you’re thinking - “I too want the riches that I so richly deserve! How does a guy like me [i.e., you] become a huge success like him [i.e., me]?” The answer is simple - start a blog and become an overnight success.
“But how do I ensure that my blog is hugely successful like Food Court Lunch“, you ask? While there are no guarantees in life (except for death, taxes and nightly bed-shitting by the Toronto Maple Leafs), I assure you that following my step-by-step blogging guide (set to the music of NKOTB’s “Step By Step”) will set you on the path to greatness and internet success beyond your wildest dreams [ed. note - this assurance is based on the assumption that your wildest dreams involve expected remuneration and job satisfaction akin to that of a part-time Blockbuster employee].
…and it’s not Lawrence Phillips. Yeah, we’re as surprised as you are. Details here. Looks like the former player, Constantin “Big Gus” Alevizos, was connected to organized crime. Understandable, given average CFL salaries. It’s usually: 1) organized crime muscle; 2) gym teacher; or 3) part-time at Blockbuster for these guys after their careers end. Still, I wouldn’t rule out suicide. It’s a pretty steep fall from the heights of CFL stardom (or “make-team-dom” in his case), and not all of these gentlemen can handle it.
Bonus: I can keep this headline around until Maurice Clarett gets out of jail and change the “C” to an “N”. Instant journalism!
In a related note, I guess there’s no need to reshuffle the CFL Dead Pool, as I have never even heard of this guy. I pondered putting some money on Ricky Williams, but he always wears his helmet, even during interviews, so I guess he’s a good bet to stay safe.
We are at the end of our rope here, people. We have to win. We have a lot of money riding on this, and we need the use of our thumbs to work the spacebar. If we don’t win….well, let’s explain visually.
Contenders: StageLeft, Food Court Lunch, Canadian Deals Blog, DeSmogBlog, Peace, Order and Good Government, eh?
This is one category where the Canadian political bloggers still have some dominance. It seems that the subject of politics is one that encourages group activity in what is usually an individual pasttime. It’s hard to argue with yourself otherwise, although that doesn’t stop most bloggers. Stageleft and POGGE are two old hands in the political blogosphere. The DeSmog Blog is an acclaimed environmental blog, while Canadian Deals (a BANPC member!) has made it its life mission to blog about the best deals available for Canadian consumers. The Food Court Lunch is not about food. It appears to be an ecclectic progressive semi-political blog which makes its debut here, and I’m sure that Stageleft and POGGE will make the new guys welcome.
Eclectic, progressive, semi-political. We are blushing. Not because of the description, but because we were walking around the house with our pants off and our neighbours saw us through the window. We waved at them with our dicks.
I mean, we’ve all heard the expression “a deal with the devil”, but I never thought that it would actually be such a DEAL! Man, this is getting a little one-sided. Christ, look at the ledger now:
Oh, you’re not voting? Think that you’re too good for us? Too la-dee-da for our little website? Well, you are in for a rude awakening, dear readers. We are going to come at you like a girlfriend who caught you cheating on her. It’s time for a little bit of an inventory: fifty reasons why you aren’t better than us.
Usually I try to keep things light and breezy around these parts, but lately something has really been eating my goat. This particular subject has always been a pet peeve of mine, but I had actually convinced myself that it had gone away. That is, until I read this story on “news” website wltx.com.
Oh really, WLTX? Sasquatch? On Mars? Has it actually come to this?
This whole thing is just getting ridiculous, so I’m here to put my foot down. In other words, that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!*
IT’S TIME TO CALL OFF THE SEARCH FOR SASQUATCH!
Face it, this nonsense has been going on for way too long. And where has it gotten us? Nowhere, that’s where. In the God-knows-how-many years people have been looking for this “creature”, the above photo, taken in the late 1960s, is the best proof we have been able to come up with?
As Kenny Rogers said, “you’ve got to know when to fold up shop.” And that time has come. I am calling for an immediate halt to all ongoing and planned Sasquatch locating expeditions. And I am doing so for the following reasons.
1. Wasted Resources
Anyone who has walked by a newspaper stand lately knows that these are tough economic times. Mortgages have been sub-prime, and scientists fear that there may be a recession any day now. So we can hardly afford to be out there, spending money willy-nilly hunting Bigfoot. Film, a tent, mosquito repellent, flashlight batteries, flashlights themselves, Travel Scrabble (for boredom), food - these things add up. Not to mention the cost of a flight to the Pacific Northwest.
(And as an aside, can someone please explain to me why it costs more to fly from Toronto to Vancouver than from Toronto to Cleveland, where my aunt lives? They are in the same country, for God’s sake! You better start treating your customers better, Air Canada, or you will lose their business. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
Instead of spending this money on an exercise that, let’s face it, hasn’t exactly wielded overwhelming results, we should try spending it on goods and services. Heck, you take the money normally spent on Sasquatch searches and add to it the money we are saving thanks to the recent GST cut (thank you, Mr. Chretien!), and we just may be able to nip this recession in the bud. Maybe.
All the exclamation points in the world aren’t going to make a difference; no celebrity is willing to endorse us. Accordingly, we have picked up our endorsements wherever we can. Supporting Food Court Lunch for BEST GROUP BLOG and BEST ENTERTAINMENT/CULTURAL BLOG, it’s Marty Hawkins, a homeless man who hears voices!!!
I know that you have been real, real helpful over the last few weeks, but I have been thinking real hard, and I am not totally sure I want to go through with this whole “sell my soul to get to the Super Bowl” deal we were talking about.
First, I want to apologize first about mistaking Tom Coughlin for you. It’s just that he also is completely red and scares the living shit out of me. He answers to “The Prince of Darkness”, too, so you can see how I could get confused. Regardless, it was somewhat insulting for you, and I am sorry. You are a much kinder person than he will ever be. Also, after I mistakenly started discussing our “bargain” with him, he called you a red-assed, pointy-headed, goat-legged faggot. That was actually much better than the things he called me.
DISCLAIMER: In the event that you are inexplicably confused by our site, this is parody (poorly executed, but parody nonetheless). For the sake of clarity, however, please note that the opinions expressed in the Comments section of this site are NOT moderated or endorsed in any way by the authors of this site, who do not understand HTML and can scarcely manage to post items themselves
RSS (Simple Descriptions)
