A weekly look at the trends that shape our lives

     Dinosaur-Related DUIs

     Man blames car wreck on prehistoric winged reptile

Yet another disturbing trend threatening the safety of motorists on our roadways: Pterodactyls.  No doubt global warming is to blame for the sudden migration of these winged dinosaurs into urban areas from their normal, prehistoric habitats. (more…)

We at Food Court Lunch would like to wish all of our readers, regardless of religious belief (except Buddhist), a happy Holiday Season. Regrettably, as we will be spending time with our respective dysfunctional families, we will be unavailable to provide you with your daily supply of faux-news updates…

But fear not! Our investigative journalism skills are so finely honed that we can predict news even before it happens. And so we present to you the Week in (P)review, for the week of December 24, 2007:

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Food Court Lunch would like to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday.  And in the interests of being inclusive, please feel free to doctor the above picture to include the seasonal marketing character and/or relative that best represents the season to you personally.

See you in the New Year,
FCL

Hey there, moviegoers!  Do you like…

…dramadies that are neither emotionally interesting or funny?

…slapdash plots that consist of fifty random, poorly thought-out, uninteresting events?

…watching a grown woman shit herself?

…listening to self-indulgent lead characters without a single redeeming quality between them talk for two hours about how messed up they are?

…Nicole Kidman’s ghoulish mask of a face?

…paedophilia?

…the confirmation that Jennifer Jason Leigh’s acting skills have not improved over time?

…lots of crying?

…an overarching story line of extremely creepy sexual tension between mother and prepubescent son?

…characters who can’t go fifteen minutes without mentioning that they live in Manhattan?

…watching Jack Black and John Turturro’s talent be completely wasted?

…sister issues?

…scenes where an inbred Ginger kid bites another kid on the neck for approximately fifteen seconds?

…leaving the theatre in disbelief that this was the same guy who made The Squid and the Whale?

Well then, have we got a piece of shit for you!

Ah, professional wrestling.  I ask you: is there a better way for an impressionable young man to develop deep-seeded prejudices that will irreversibly shape the way he sees the world for the rest of his life?  I think not.

So...is 'Wahoo' your first name?

Pro wrestling is different than most other forms of scripted entertainment in that it relies on live, visceral audience reaction to tell part of the story.  And the linchpin to this reaction are the villains.  After all, a bad guy isn’t a bad guy if no one is booing him, and a good guy isn’t a good guy if he doesn’t have a bad guy that everyone wants him to beat.

And if you (and when we say “you”, we are assuming you are a wrestling promoter) don’t want to take the trouble of “earning” your audience’s hatred through carefully planned storylines that lead to realistically evolving characters, well, there’s always the old P.T. Barnum adage (and we’re paraphrasing): “People hate Indians.  Make the bad guy an Indian.”

On that note, below is our list of noteworthy wrestlers who relied most heavily on their cringe-inducing gimmicks to elicit crowd responses.  If you ever screamed obscenities at one of these guys when you were thirteen or under, you are pardoned by the merciful hand of ignorance.  If you were forty or over, well…we hear carbon monoxide poisoning is pretty painless.

Stereotype: The Evil Middle Easterner
Poster Child: The Iron Sheik

Summary: In November 1979, a group of Iranian university students stormed the U.S. embassy in Tehran and took 66 American citizens hostage.  The Iran Hostage Crisis would last almost fifteen months, and end up costing the lives of eight U.S. soldiers. The National Wrestling Alliance’s response?  The deliciously punny “Iron Sheik”, who hailed from Tehran, was vocally Muslim, sported a head scarf and boots with curled toes, and routinely questioned America’s manhood in interviews. 

Insensitive?  Yes.  Blatantly racist?  Prob Yes.  But t’weren’t all bad - uber-patriot Hulk Hogan’s victory over the Sheik for the WWF title in 1983 would serve as a form of collective national release, gently alleviating swollen U.S. hate glands and ensuring that American-Iranian relations would never again become a serious international issue.  As an added bonus, the Iron Sheik is, in actual fact, batshit insane.

Alternate Names Considered: The Camel-Fucker, the Rag-head from near Bagh-dad.

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http://canadianpress.google.com/article/ALeqM5jDzx-URhaPXvvBO4-uUHclhnx9IA

Hey there, loyal FCL readers. Jorge Garbajosa, the Toronto Raptors forward, has been in the news a lot recently, but not for the right reasons. His basketball year is pretty well over after it was determined that the horrific leg/ankle injury he suffered last year has not healed. He had season-ending surgery a few days ago…or did he?

Exhibit 1 of why Al Jefferson will never become a doctor. If he had a fork in his hands he might have poked his own eyes out.

There is more to this situation than what can be seen at first glance. Rumours, accusations, and innuendo have been flying around willy-nilly since it was revealed that Garbajosa would have to shut it down for the year. The brouhaha stems from Garbajosa’s decision to play for the Spanish national team this summer at the Euro Championships. The Raptors did not want him to play, fearing further injury to his leg. Garbajosa wanted to play, as apparently did the entire nation of Spain. The Spanish national team was able to obtain an insurance policy (with a $1 million premium!) to guarantee Garbajosa’s contract for the Raptors should he get injured again. Lo and behold, shortly before the insurance policy is set to expire, Garbajosa is diagnosed with problems with the leg. Garbajosa is apparently upset, as he doesn’t want to stop playing. The Raptors are upset because they lose a valuable player for the year. The Spanish people are upset…for reasons we cannot comprehend. Apparently, the thought is that the Raptors have forced Garbajosa to have surgery he does not need just to collect on the insurance.

He said, she said, blah blah blah. Nobody knows the truth, and yet everyone has an opinion. How can we get to the bottom of this, dear readers? By going straight to the horse’s mouth, people. Food Court Lunch has worked its journalistic magic to get into the mind of the swarthy Spaniard behind this kerfuffle, Mr. Garbajosa himself.

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We here at Food Court Lunch are nothing if not devoted to our legion of readers. While our formal mission statement is “no fat chicks”, our true goal is to keep our baker’s dozen of readers happy (and free of the desire to commence libel litigation). To this end, we endeavour to be as responsive as possible to the demands of our readership. Accordingly, when we started receiving e-mail inquiries about various life topics, ranging from relationship advice to death threats, we decided that it would be callous not to provide a forum to dispense our collective wisdom on life, love and Canadian tax exemptions. And so we present to you, our readers, the inaugural Food Court Lunch E-Mailbag.

As our inbox is literally flooded on a daily basis with requests for assistance, we found ourselves in the difficult position of having to select who should be the first to benefit from our sage e-advice. Butter Chicken was adamant that we should respond to our friend Mr. Frank Dama in Nigeria, who is apparently having trouble getting tens of millions of dollars out of a frozen bank account belonging to a former politician who died in a plane crash (some of us were skeptical at first, but the media link to a Nigerian plan crash allayed our concerns). Blue Menu, however, felt that we should tell the world about the penis enlargement medication that some kind doctor in California continually sends us updates about. Gourmet Spud felt that we should focus our efforts on the international lottery that we have apparently won (without even entering - talk about luck!), while the New York newsdesk suggested that we respond to their repeated requests for home remedies to writer’s block.

Ultimately, however, we agreed that the following e-mail inquiry from Gord H. of Regina, Saskatchewan deserved our immediate attention:

Dear Food Court Lunch - my friends and I were recently debating life’s great mysteries when we encountered an irreconcilable difference of opinion. Religion, politics and universal healthcare proved relatively uncontentious, but a rift arose when the discussion moved to the topic of women. Can you please enlighten us as to the true definition of a “Cougar”? Forever yours, Gord H.

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Welcome to part two in our ongoing “The Punchable Faces of…” series.  Last time, we explored the various visages of Nicolas Cage.  This time, with golf season just ended, and golf season just about to start up again, we thought we would offer up everyone’s favourite phony, Phil “FIGJAM” Mickelson.  And for those of you jonesing for more Mickelson pics, stay tuned for our upcoming “The Slappable Manboobs of…” series.

On to the faces!

The 'Jilted Tea Party Host'

The 'Tattletale'

The 'You're Fucking up Daddy's Photo-Op'
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Annoyances, in ascending order: 

1. The powder in the last bowl of Froot Loops.

2. Episodes from the first season of The Simpsons. 

3. Ben Gibbard’s voice.

4. Your Borat impression.

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