How can evangelical Christians be opposed to abortion when they created one themselves?

(more…)

Don't believe the lies!

You are reading what could be my last post. As I type this, there is a very much alive and very angry metal god trying to break into my apartment. So bear with me, because I don’t have much time and I’m going to be hitting you with a lot of information. Ex-Pantera guitarist and LEGEND Dimebag Darrell: i) is alive, ii) lives in the apartment next to me on the seventh floor of my building, and iii) is standing outside of my door with what is either a Washburn axe with a flaming machete superglued to the body (which would be AWESOME!) or a frying pan.

And I can prove it.

I know what you are thinking. Dimebag is dead. He was “shot” by that “marine” at that Damageplan show a few years back. Up until four weeks ago, I would have agreed with you. But that was before he moved in next door.
(more…)

Looks like CNN is playing it safe with its new automatic headline generator:

Waffle House brawl lands Kid Rock in jail

 http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/21/kidrock.arrest.ap/index.html

 
Depicted: Kid Rock File Photo (non-waffle/pancake related arrest)

Food Court Lunch applauds Kid Rock and other courageous celebrities who toil selflessly to provide daily headlines for desperate 24-hour news services.

Are you ready for some hockey? I sure am! You can just feel the excitement in the air - the stadiums are filling up, the umps are ready to go, and the ball is about to drop as the kick-off fast approaches!

But if you’re like me and don’t follow hockey, this is often an awkward time of year. Nobody likes to be left of out of the office hockey pool simply because they don’t know how many midfielders there are on an NHL team [answer: 3] or how many teams there are in the Norris Division [answer: trick question - there are now 24, with the recent addition of the Tampa Bay Lightning].

Well fret no longer! In an effort to assist my fellow unitiated, I have compiled this easy-to-use preview of the forthcoming NHL Season that will provide you with an initimate familiarity with the ins and outs of the sport that has become affectionately known as “The Beautiful Game” (apparently).

(more…)

It appears that the English are having difficulty finding enough dentists. I, for one, find this to be an absolute outrage. If there is any nation on earth that requires the service of dentists, it is the English.* This is like depriving diabetics of insulin, or depriving fat people of your scorn (they need it — it’s for their own good).

* Actually, the Irish (or at least one of them) are giving them a good run for their money..

This letter was written in the distant future (Jesus, I am confused already) when Lou Pearlman, the creator of the Backstreet Boys, ‘N-Sync, LFO and other boy bands, has been released from prison after serving a significant penal sentence in relation to charges that he defrauded investors in his companies. For more details on the alleged fraud and other interesting allegations, see this article.

The recipient of the letter below - Mr. Lou Pearlman

October 17, 20XX

Dear Mr. Pearlman,

As your parole officer, I am impressed that you took the time to write me to discuss future professions that you wish to pursue now that you have been released on parole. It is a rare occasion when I receive such a detailed letter from a person who I am supervising post-incarceration. I appreciate you putting the effort into examining your vocational prospects, as such hard work bodes well for your integration into non-correctional society.

That having been said, Mr. Pearlman, many of the future professions you discussed in your letter either are not entirely appropriate for someone with your background or are generally strange and unsuited to you. It is my job to ensure that you avoid situations that could lead to recidivist behaviour and find acceptable work. Unfortunately, some the professions for which you have expressed affection would, in my view, put you in such situations. I cannot say for certain that your choices of such potentially dangerous or questionable professions was deliberate, but I am disturbed and confused by some of the choices you have made, and as your parole officer, I certainly cannot in good conscience allow you to work in those areas.

(more…)

The editors of Food Court Lunch live by one simple mantra: When Gary Busey talks, you listen.  And so when, during a particularly gripping rerun of Celebrity Fit Club, Gary Busey stared maniacally into the camera and urged viewers to give praise to Jesus because His is the true path to enlightenment, I was moved to remark: Jesus Christ! Does Gary Busey ever look crazy.

But upon reflection, I began to wonder: if Jesus can turn Gary Busey into what he has become, then what else can He do?  Can He, for example, determine the outcome of a major professional sports event?  If the 2007 Colorado Rockies are to be believed, the answer is a resounding yes. (more…)

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Mother of pearl, that hurts! I really don’t think my elbow is supposed to twist that way (see the 0:37 second mark). It’s swinging around like it belongs to a GI Joe doll. Sugar! Dang! Dang it to all Heck! Christ on the Motherfucking Cross Golly, that really hurts. I’m in real trouble here. I’ve got to get to the sideline. It’s going to take a miracle for me to get back in the game. Hmmm, a miracle, eh?

(more…)

Greetings. I recently returned from Europe, having been stationed there for a brief two-week stint by our Foreign Affairs news desk to cover the World Tiddlywinks Championships (after all, this is apparently a sports blog…), and I realized that it might be helpful to provide prospective European travellers with a primer on what can be expected when treking through Europe.

(more…)

…and Hockey Satan (that means you, Mr. Bettman),

We are not hockey experts, but we don’t think that this was an accident.

(more…)