Legendary musical performer Robert Goulet died today at age 73. To be frank, it’s kind of meaningless to us, but we wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to post a video of Will Ferrell as Goulet. Will drops N-bombs like his name was Eddie Griffin.

“Nature….GOU-LET.”

So this is the cover for Bill Cosby’s new book.

Yes, seriously.

You will note my use of an appropriately placed comma. You will also note Bill’s refusal to conform to such syntactical conventions.

In his defence, perhaps it is a “How To” book…

- Fruit Smoothie, New York Office

 
Look, Boof-a-low, eez not what you think...

Date: April 2010. 

Hey, Buffalo…have you calmed down yet, buddy?

WHOA! WHOA! Sit down, man! Relax! I mean, can’t we even talk about this? C’mon, it’s me, T.O.! We’ve been friends for almost 200 years, you’re going to let one little team come between us?

Look, it’s not like I planned this, okay? But it’s happening, so you might as well just accept it. The Bills are coming with me. It’s over. You need to start letting go.

I don’t know when it started, to be honest. I guess it was that time you let them come and stay with me for the weekend back in 2008.  It was early October. One of those crisp days where the sky is really blue. Sweater weather. And man, they looked good. They were wearing those awesome throwbacks, with the white helmet with the red buffalo on it. You know the ones I’m talking about? Sorry, of course you do. Point is, they looked good.

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What food-related misadventure is next for our boys?

If you were not aware of it already, Hollywood is back at it again with another movie based on the life of a famous rapper. Upon hearing this news, we are sure that your initial reaction was, “Oooh, how exciting! I loved the Fat Boys in “Disorderlies.” This should be one hour and twenty-five minutes of comic hi-jinx and inoffensive rapping.” Sadly, prepare for disappointment. Once again, Hollywood has betrayed the viewing public (that’s you, dear readers!). This planned movie is not going to be made in the vein of the ’80s comic masterpieces such as Dr. Dre and Ed Lover’s “Who’s the Man?”, Kid & Play’s “House Party”, or Too Short’s “One-Eyed Suicidal Midget: A Love Story”. No, that would be too “easy”, “predictable” or “racist”. Instead, the proposed film is going to be one of those dull, overearnest efforts along the lines of “Get Rich or Die Trying” or “8 Mile”. This is not what the people want! Where’s the dancing? Where’s the tomfoolery? Where’s the bojangling that white audiences understand and love? So, Jason Whitlock, it appears that you’re whispering in the ears of Hollywood, too.

What the fuck are you smiling about? Whitlock hates you.

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Well, kids, All Hallow’s Eve / Halloween / Hallowe’en / Candy Night is just around the corner, which means that it’s time to start thinking about what costume you are going to don for this holiest of bastardized pagan rituals. But if you’re like me (lazy, a chronic masturbator and mildly hunchbacked), you don’t have the energy to come up with a costume idea of your own. That is why I have compiled the following comprehensive top 10 list of Halloween costumes that is guaranteed to offer a little something for everyone, regardless of income bracket, race, creed, religion, fetish, education level or physical deformity. Enjoy!

1. Stripper

Easy, economical and a hit at parties, the stripper costume is always a crowd pleaser. For those unfamiliar with this particular outfit, it can be assembled in two easy steps: (1) wear whatever you feel most comfortable in (choose wisely); (2) take off what you just put on.

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We join the Monday Night Football crew, Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser, with eleven minutes remaining in the third quarter of Monday night’s Packers-Broncos game.

Ron Jaworski: …Travis Henry, with that looming suspension, is making sure that if this is his last game of the season, it will be a memorable one. Look at him follow the play design and fill in the gaping hole created by the big strong guys in the middle. He REALLY drove it in there with authority. When healthy, Henry is one…of the most effective…straight-gap hitters…in the game.

Mike Tirico: (eyes Jaworski suspiciously)

Tony Kornheiser: He’s also one of the most effective FATHERS in the game.

Tirico and Jaworski: (strained laughter)

Kornheiser: I mean, this guy has nine kids. He’s not only an effective running back, he’s effective at FATHERING kids!

Tirico: Gets funnier every time. The Packers’ defense lines up in man coverage.

Jaws: And boy, what a job defensive co-ordinator Bob Sanders has done with the Green Bay defense this year. He has given them a full working over. Let me tell you, he had this unit fired up before tonight’s game and they are playing stiff out there.

Tirico: (pauses) Some unique phrasing there…

Kornheiser: That’s all well and good, Jaws, but let me ask you this about Bob Sanders: how many models has he dated?

Jaws: (confused) Uh, wha-what do you mean? He’s happily married to his lovely wife Kathie, and they have three wonderful kids…

Kornheiser: Exactly my point.

Tirico: Which is?

Kornheiser: How good would it be to be Tom Brady right now?

Tirico: And with that we are happy to be joined by tonight’s guest, actor and comedian
Dave Coulier, star of the hit sitcom Full House, which aired on ABC for eight seasons in the late 80s/early 90s, and the man who Peter King recently dubbed “the second funniest man in America.” Dave, welcome to the booth.
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Canadian Steve Molitor is defending his IBF junior featherweight title this weekend at Casino Rama in Orillia, Ontario.

His opponent? None other than Thai boxer Fashung 3K Battery.

Yes, that is his real name. He changed his own name to the name of the battery company that sponsors him. That is true commitment to your sponsors. I can’t wait for Tiger Buick Tag Heuer Nike Gillette to follow suit.

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Gregg Easterbrook of ESPN wrote a column yesterday lionizing the Colts and demonizing the Patriots that is, well, to be polite, completely insane. These are sports teams, Gregg. I think that we are getting a little carried away when we try to make them into personifications of either good or evil. Kissing Suzy Kolber pretty well tore him a new hole, but I think that there are some facts relevant to the Good/Bad equation that Easterbrook left out. So, forthwith with the apologia:

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This photograph is fascinating. Does Kid Rock have some sort of checklist he has to follow before he leaves the house?

1) Fur coat (Check)
2) Idiotic fedora (Check)
3) Cigar (Check)
4) Whorish female companion (Pamela Anderson divorced me, so Paris Hilton - Check)
5) Midget sidekick (Joe C. died several years ago, so Verne Troyer - Check)

The photo is like some sort of Kid Rock alternative reality. Perhaps in this reality, waffle house parking lot fights are legal.

Man, is it ever hot out here tonight! I should never have worn this suit. I am sweating like a pig here. It’s got to be like a hundred degrees on the sideline. Christ, I have got to get this jacket off. I’m on national television and I’m sweating like a fat man at a chili eating contest. I wonder if people can tell that I’m sweating. I hope I don’t get those weird white salt stains on my forehead when it dries. I need a towel. I am the fucking head coach. Where’s a towel? I need a towel. Ice? Ice would help. Can someone…oh, shit. The Colts scored.

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