While there are several possibilities, pundits generally agree that Mike Komisarek is the logical choice for a linemate (or would have been were it not for a recent season-ending injury). For Dion and Mike share many of the qualities that NHL franchises look for in a defensive player. They both play a gritty, physical game. They both have powerful shots from the point. And, perhaps most importantly, they both dated this girl:

Yes, there’s nothing quite like sharing a locker room with a guy who ploughed your girlfreind before you arrived on the scene. Not only does it give you a chance to find out exactly what STDs you’re exposing yourself to on a nightly basis, but it also allows you to find out the best way to pleasure your lady from someone who has first-hand / first-penis experience.

From the Leafs’ perspective, pairing the two Elisha-rogerers together would also inject some much-needed aggression into the their playbook. Who cares if the two of them end of fighting each other in the corner - at least there will be something worth watching on the ice. They could even work out secret phrases for on-ice plays that would baffle their opponents. Plays like “Going (Knuckle) Deep”, or “Dump and Pump”, or “Elisha Still Dreams of Me While She’s Doing You”, or “Threesome with Jack Bauer’s Daughter“, or “Backdoor with The Girl Next Door“, or “Does This Smell Familiar?”… Anyway, you get the picture.

Sadly, Mike is out for the season, so Leafs fans will have to wait until next year for the dynamic duo to take to the ice. However, there is always a chance that Cuthbert will dump Dion for her 4th professional hockey player in as many years (if you count Avery as a “professional”), so we’ll keep our fingers crossed that she picks a fellow Leaf. My money’s on Kaberle…

As you are no doubt aware, it’s National Bagged Milk Day, which is a statutory holiday in Canada.  Apparently the fact that we choose to imbibe cow secretions from a plastic bag makes us special.What I’m trying to get at here is the fact that we’re not in the office today so stop checking for updates, and for God’s sake stop calling us about availability for birthday parties.So in the meantime, why not take this chance to click on some of the ads from our delicious corporate overlords?  Me, I choose to drink my milk mixed with some delicious Appleton Estate Rum, while washing down a tasty Big King Deluxe hanburger sandwich.

Phaneuf Says Leafs Playoff Hopes Alive; Is Obviously New in Town

He’s obviously assuming that the Leafs-led Board of Governors vote to remove goal scoring from the game completely will pass.

Iran Sends Animals to Space, Protesters to Sweet Hereafter

Message to Iran: Baby-steps, please.  Why don’t you focus on completely debunking the Holocaust first before you try your hand at interplanetary travel?

Iran Claims Launch of Research Rocket into Space, Israel

Actually, it was more of an arc through space into Israel.  And the ‘research’ was on Semite Flammability.  But let’s not be nitpicky. 

There’s Another Thing Short People are Ruining for Us: Dwarves Cast doubt on ‘Fountain of Youth’ Growth Hormone

First they take over TLC.  Now they want voting rights?  I say it’s time to take a stand against these immoral midgets.

I Am Not My Mood Disorder, You Fucking Asshole! I Love You, Honey.  Hey, Are Those Chips? Where Are My Pills?

I think the term ‘Mood Disorder’ is overused.  In our household, we call them ‘adult tantrums’ or ‘alcoholic outbursts’.

This Week in Suggestive Quotation Marks: Brad and Angelina, ‘Loving Couple’

Personally, I’ve always been hoping for the day when Angelina and her brother get back together.

Please Don’t Tell Jenny McCarthy, but Lancet Retracts Controversial Autism Study

 Turns out autism is not caused by exposure to Dr. Seuss.

Sanctimonious Cat Living in Nursing Home has Uncanny Ability to Predict Death

Interestingly, all of the nursing home residents who have died during the last year were allergic to cats.

Nine-Year-Old Chinese Girl Gives Birth; Demands Pancakes for Breakfast

They’re more efficient at everything.

Bryan Colangelo: How is he, Doc?

Doctor: Oh, he’s fine. He’s just resting up in post-op.

Colangelo: So he’s going to make it?

Doctor: What’s that?

Colangelo: He’s going to survive the surgery?

Doctor: Of course. The injuries to his face were far from life threatening.

Colangelo: You’re sure now?

Doctor: Quite sure.

Colangelo: Because, if his quality of life is in any way going to be affected, you shouldn’t be afraid to…you know…”yanky plugy”?

Doctor: Mr. Colangelo, I…

Colangelo: I’ll give you a million dollars.

Doctor: Excuse me?

Colangelo: Never mind.

Doctor: (raises eyebrow suspiciously) He’s going to be fine. In fact, I would venture to guess he’ll be better than ever.

Colangelo: How do you mean?

Doctor: Well, why don’t you see for yourself? Come with me.

(They walk to the area just outside Hedo’s room)

Doctor: Now, as a reminder, here is a picture of what he looked like before the surgery.

Colangelo: The reminder seems unnecessary, but okay.

Doctor: Now…behold!

(The doctor opens the door)

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I have a bad habit of wandering around Wikipedia reading random facts about random things. I also have a bad habit of masturbating with a handful of crushed Doritos, but that’s neither here nor there. I will often go on to Wikipedia to look something up, see a link that interests me, and then five hours later I am doing painstaking research into the Kajagoogoo back catalogue. If only I could devote myself to more useful things, like exercise, getting rid of my monobrow, or kicking the masturbating-with-chips thing. Anyway, the other day I ended up on the Wikipedia article for Gandhi. To be honest, all I really know about Gandhi is that portraying him has pretty well ruined Ben Kingsley as an actor for me. Every time I watch “Sexy Beast“, I keep thinking, “Gandhi’s acting like a bit of an asshole.” Given my ignorance, the Wikipedia page was incredibly informative. Informative about some of the half-assed, crackpot views Gandhi had, that is. Let’s see how Gandhi suggested the English deal with the issue of standing up to the fascist and totalitarian Nazi regime:

“I would like you to lay down the arms you have as being useless for saving you or humanity. You will invite Herr Hitler and Signor Mussolini to take what they want of the countries you call your possessions…If these gentlemen choose to occupy your homes, you will vacate them. If they do not give you free passage out, you will allow yourselves, man, woman, and child, to be slaughtered, but you will refuse to owe allegiance to them.”

Curiously, the original plan for the D-Day invasion was actually to drop soldiers at Normandy and have them acted very passive-aggressively with the Germans. This plan was scrapped, however, when it was determined that this was the stupidest fucking thing ever thought of ever.  

Gandhi didn’t stop there, though. You would think that he would have something interesting and insightful to say about the global human tragedy that was the Holocaust.  You would be wrong:

“Hitler,” Gandhi said, “killed five million Jews. It is the greatest crime of our time. But the Jews should have offered themselves to the butcher’s knife. They should have thrown themselves into the sea from cliffs… It would have aroused the world and the people of Germany… As it is they succumbed anyway in their millions.”

Sorry…they should have thrown themselves into the sea from cliffs? Why? To make it easier for the Germans?

Himmler (1944) - [picks up telephone receiver and dials] “Hello, Mein Fuhrer? You will never guess what’s happening….Oh, you heard already?….I know! I don’t even know what to say! This is like Christmas for us!…Yeah, they are really teaching us a lesson….HAHAHAHAHA!!! I know, like lemmings. Seriously, I have to buy this Gandhi guy a gift basket or something….I guess I need a new job….Can I join the Luftwaffe?”

What can we take from all of this? I can’t be sure. There appears to be some controversy as to the extent to which Gandhi resiled from these statements. Also, it’s fucking Wikipedia. Half this shit could be made up and I am too lazy to check the sources. However, one thing is clear: Ben Kingsley is an anti-Semite. I guess. Probably not. Definitely not. Guh, I don’t know. This is confusing. Why can’t his political philosophy be summarized in a t-shirt like some people we know? Stupid Gandhi.

I, like every other fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, live a life of misery. I foolishly devote myself to a franchise that goes to great lengths to crush the spirits of its loyal fanbase purely for sport (4 decades and counting!). Indeed, it often seems as though the Leafs invest their league-leading revenues in finding new ways to disappoint (take, for example, Saturday`s unprecedented loss of a 3-goal lead in the 3rd period…). I feel like Krusty the Clown betting on the Generals - they’re due! 

 Of course, recent years have been easier than most due to the distinct absence of what the French like to call “le hope”. For the most part, the Leafs’ ranks have been staffed with functionally retarded school children who have difficulty skating backwards. But now the franchise seems bound and determined to even suck at losing… Over the weekend, Messrs. Dion Phaneuf and Jean-Sebastien Giguere became the newest members of the Leafs organization. Some would think this would be good news. After all, they are good players. Very good players. But there`s the rub. For a Leafs fan, hope is a horrible, horrible thing…

Dion Phaneuf at the Leafs’ New Training Facility

So what does the future hold for our beloved Leafs? Well, if history has taught us anything, the answer is fairly simple:

• Phaneuf and Giguere will arrive in Toronto with all the pomp and circumstance of a stripper returning to the stage for an “encore”;
• The Leafs will win a few games, and the franchise will prematurely declare the team “Stanley Cup contenders”;
• Immediately following this proclamation, the team will death spiral in an agonizing frenzy of pointless losses;
• Unable to take the pressure of the Big Smoke, Phaneuf will retire from the NHL to take up ice dancing. Giguere will move to Northern Quebec to make cheeses;
• In an effort to stop the bleeding, the Leafs will spend their remaining cap space on Brett Lindros and Brent Gretzky;
• I will die a little more inside as the team misses the Playoffs for yet another year…

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

So pull up a chair and enjoy this little number from May 7, 2008!  Some of these still make sense, and others were based on rumours circulating at the time which have since either been forgotten or debunked.  Either way, it’s the best you’re going to get from us today.

The Definitive List of Professional Athletes’ Vanity Licence Plates

As editors of a non-profit sports and entertainment blog, we are regularly granted exclusive access to sporting events.  Some sports writers might use this unfettered access to get the inside scoop on professional athletes in their native environment; namely, the locker room. 

But we at Food Court Lunch do things a little bit differently.  We know that the canned answers that professional athletes dole out like homespun wisdom in locker room interviews rarely tell anything about what is actually going in the athletes’ heads. We’ve discovered that you can actually learn more about a professional athlete by spending some time in the athletes’ parking lot, looking at what is printed on their license plates.  It’s like a window into their souls.

What follows is Food Court Lunch’s definitive list of actual vanity license plates of professional athletes.  We leave the conclusions as to what each of the plates actually says about the athlete’s state of mind up to you.

Elijah Dukes: 

Dwyane Wade: 

Frank Thomas:

Terrell Owens:

Derek Jeter:

Maurice Clarett:

Pacman Jones: (car presumed stolen)

Roger Clemens:

Shawn Kemp:

 Reggie Bush:

Prince Fielder:

Oscar De La Hoya:

Travis Henry: (two cars)

Sean Avery:

Jaromir Jagr:

Vince Carter:

Michael Vick:

Dany Heatley:

Dmitri Young:

Phil Mickelson:

Latrell Sprewell:

Tony Romo:

Tracy McGrady:

John Rocker:

Add more as you find ‘em, folks!

Intruder in Susan Boyle’s Home Treated to Inspiring Wail

 Say what you will about Susan Boyle, but she is one ugly lady.

That Time of the Month? Stop It With the iPad Jokes Already

I’d buy one of these, but I don’t feel like doing all of my computing on a Ms. Pacman table.

Men Don’t Cheat Because Wives are Ugly; They Cheat Because Thai Ladyboys are So Approachable

I would encourage all concerned wives to get themselves a copy of John Edwards’ seminal autobiography, Gettin’ Strange.

‘Avatar’ Called Anti-Military, Anti-Faith, Pro-Smurf

Judging by its nearly 3-hour running time, Avatar is also Anti-Urination.

Better With Age? Seniors Report Spicy, Unappetizing, Sex Life 

Hint: It’s like two flesh handbags exchanging glances.

A Mother’s Touch? Nebraska Woman Charged for Having Sex with Teenage Son

Son? It’s about time we had a talk about the birds and the bees.  Oh, I see.  Your mother covered that already.

NAMBLA Travel Guide: The Art of Taking an Infant’s Passport Photo

Two allusions to incest in a row! This calls for a delicious Burger King Big King Sandwich and a rum and Coke made with refreshing Appleton Estates Rum!

(Raptors practice. Chris Bosh sits on the bench reading the box score from the previous night’s game)

Bosh: Man, twelve rebounds for Andrea again last night? What the heck has gotten into him lately?

Jose Calderon: Ah. It is not what has gotten into him, my friend Christopher, but what we are able to finally bring out.

Bosh: You’re talking crazy again, Jose.

Calderon: Oh, is I? Watch this.

(Calderon walks over to Andrea Bargnani, who is standing listlessly under the basket during a shoot around)

Calderon: Hello, Andrea!

Bargnani: Whadda you wantah, Jose?

Calderon: (pokes Bargnani in the ribs) Up!

Bargnani: Hey! Stoppa that, or you gonna found out!

Calderon: (chasing and poking Bargnani) Come now! Up! Up!

Bargnani: Stop that! Itta tickles!

(Bargnani leaps back to avoid Calderon, and a rebound falls directly into his hands)

Bargnani: Hmm?

Calderon: Very good, Andrea! Here - have a pizza bite.

(Calderon opens his hand to reveal a pizza bite, which he hands to Bargnani)

Bargnani: Mmm. Squisito. Give another to me!

Calderon: Up! Up!

(Frantic, Bargnani swings his elbows, jumps up and yanks down a rebound. He immediately turns back and faces Calderon)

Bargnani: There. Now make-ah witta the little pizza.

Calderon: Here you go! (tosses pizza bite at Bargnani)

Bargnani: (chewing)

Calderon: (rubbing Bargnani’s neckbeard) That’s a good Il Mago.

(Bargnani swallows, turns around, and begins rebounding determinedly)

Calderon: (to Bosh) Do you see?

Bosh: Well, I’ll be. How did you do that?

Calderon: It is a technique Jose learns from his cousin. You simply lead the person to do the thing you want him to do, and then give him a reward he likes when he do it.

Bosh: What, forever?

Calderon: No, soon they will do it without the treat. With Italian centers, it takes about forty days.

Bosh: Wow. Impressive. Has it worked on anyone else?

Calderon: Well, you be the judge to tell me! Look at this one.

(Calderon gestures to Raptors announcer Jack Armstrong, who stands nearby, smiling and ogling the practicing Raptors Dance Pak. The dancers are visibly uncomfortable)

Calderon: First, distract. (claps hands) Hello, Mr. Armstrong!

Armstrong: (turns around) Hey, Jose! How’s it goin’?

Calderon: (to Bosh) Then, lead to behavior we want. (to Armstrong) Very good! Say, look at what I have! (Calderon shakes a steel flask)

(Armstrong’s focus immediately shifts to the flask; he jogs lightly over to Jose)

Armstrong: Say, Jose - how’s about giving ol’ Jack a quick taste?

Calderon: Of course. (Calderon slowly walks over to a courtside table; Armstrong follows the flask intently)

Calderon: Have a seat, Mr. Armstrong.

(Armstrong sits down attentively)

Calderon: (to Bosh) Now, reward. (to Armstrong) Here you go.

(Calderon pours a shot of whiskey into Armstrong’s mouth. Armstrong swallows it, and immediately begins preparing handwritten answers to fan emails)

Bosh: Well done. That’ll save a couple lawsuits at least.

Calderon: That one is taking a while.

Bosh: Well, you know what they say - you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Calderon: Oh, Christopher, you are being silly. Mr. Armstrong is not a dog - he is old man!

Bosh: Uh, yeah. Just playing with you, Jose.

Calderon: Heh. Jokes.

Bosh: Well, since you got all these new found powers…what are we going to do about Hedo?

Calderon: Oh, Hedo? Well, I do not feel comfortable doing this to my most special friend, so for him, I bring in someone special. My cousin Cesar.

Bosh: Not…not Cesar Millan.

Calderon: Si.

Bosh: Get out of here. The Dog Whisperer is your cousin?

Calderon: All people who speak Spanish are cousins. And don’t worry - if anyone can help Hedo, it is he. Look, there they is now.

(Calderon gestures to the other side of the gym. Cesar Millan is slowly backing Hedo into a corner)

Millan: Come on, Hedo.

Hedo: (anxious) BRAAAGGGGGHHH!

Millan: Here. Look at the baklava.

Hedo: (intrigued) KRAWN?

Millan: Good. Now, let’s try this again. I’m going to start this 24-second clock. I need you to wait ten seconds, and then shoot the ball with both feet balanced. Can you do this?

Hedo: (determined) FRARP!

Millan: Okay…GO!

(Hedo picks up a basketball, immediately throws it straight up the air, and promptly runs headfirst into the wall)

Hedo: (rubbing head) SNALLPPP!

Millan: (resigned) Okay, Hedo. Good try. Here, take the baklava.

(Hedo smiles, grabs the pastry and sits down on the floor. Millan walks slowly over to Calderon and Bosh)

Calderon: (smiling) How is he doing, cousin Cesar? Is he all fixed up yet?

Millan: (sighing) Sit down, cousin Jose.

Calderon: (sits) Yes?

Millan: Cousin Jose…do you remember when we told you your friend Jorge went to live on a farm…?

I completely regret my high school yearbook quote. Instead of taking the time to write something funny, witty or provocative, I procrastinated and ended up submitting something that consisted of friends’ initials, in-jokes and a bunch of references that I don’t even understand know. I shit the bed. Given that I fucked that one up, I would hate to think about how badly I would mess up my last words if I was being executed. If I had killed someone, I would hope that I would go one of two ways: eloquently remorseful or completely bad-ass. However, more realistically, I would likely say something like:

“Hey, what’s that smell? Oh, me!!!! Snap crackle popz!!! LOL!!!! Miss you ST, RS, AB, and the rest of Cell Block B! B-Boyz RuleZZZZZZ!!! See ya on the flipzide, brothas!”

If only there was a compilation of death row inmates’ last words out there on the internet…of course there’s a compilation of death row inmates’ last words out there on the internet. Guess the state. If you didn’t guess “Texas”, you are likely either an immigrant or a jealous Floridian. Either way, you will be shot if you even set foot in the Lone Star state. Yup, Texas has put together a helpful collection of the final utterances of the condemned. Here is the Food Court Lunch guide to categorizing these statements:  

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