Setting: Sparsely decorated hotel room. Bruce Springsteen plays loudly through iPod speakers while a man sings along in shower.
Telephone rings; An agitated Peter King enters room in bath towel, dripping wet.
Peter King: Where is that damn Blackberry! Hello? Hello?
Don Banks: Hi, Peter, It’s Don Banks.
Peter King: Donnie Boy! How’s it hanging, good buddy?
Don Banks: Things are great, Peter. Thanks for asking. Listen, the reason I’m calling is –
Peter King [interrupting]: You seen Dexter yet? I’m hooked. Did you get the DVDs I sent you? You better watch them soon, because they’re from Netflix.
Don Banks: I did get them, and thanks again. You didn’t have to –
Peter King: No problem, D-Man. Hey, when are you and the missus finally going to check out our new digs? We’re right in the heart of Beantown, you know!
Don Banks: That’s very thoughtful, Peter. I’ll have to check with Alissa and let you –
Peter King: Say, I ever tell you about the time I was sportfishing in Chesapeake Bay with Bum Phillips? Guy was half in the bag and nearly fell out the boat when his line got caught in the motor. Hilarious!
Don Banks: Yeah, I think you mentioned it once. Hey listen, I just wanted to ask you a fav-
Peter King: – and all I could think was – What kind of a name is ‘Bum’ anyway? Hey – you know what’d be funny? If his last name was Butkus.
Don Banks: Peter – I need to talk to you about something imp-
Peter King: Bum Butkus! That’s what his name would be! Come to think of it, Dick Butkus is a pretty funny name too.
Don Banks: That is pretty funny, Peter. But listen –
Peter King: Hey Donnie – Are you going to be in town for the SI event next week? We should go for ribs! I know this place called Tony Roma’s.
Don Banks [becoming agitated]: Peter.
Peter King: It’ll be just like old times, buddy. K-Man and Donnie Brasco, out on the town!
Don Banks [yelling]: PETER!
Peter King: Hold the phone! What is it, Donnie Boy?
Don Banks: That’s just it, Peter. Now don’t take this the wrong way, but I was wondering if you could cool it with the nicknames in your columns for a while.
Peter King [deflated]: You don’t like ‘Donnie Brasco’?
Don Banks: Listen, you’re a good friend, Peter, but lately your columns make it sound like we’re two childhood friends.
Peter King: I don’t know what to say. I was just trying to send a little love to a good friend.
Don Banks: It’s just that I’ve been getting some ‘uncomfortable’ emails from some of your fans lately.
Peter King: What are we talking about here, Donnie? Because if you’re talking about the so-called [ahem] ‘cock shots’, that’s Brett thing. I was barely even there.
Don Banks: I just think you might want to tone down the friend angle for a while. And maybe cool it with the twitter updates.
Peter King [defensive]: Oh, I can do cool, Don. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been at this game for a while.
Don Banks [back-tracking]: I know, Peter. You do top-notch work. I never meant to-
Peter King: I mean, I practically invented the hip and irreverent top 15 sports format!
Don Banks: I know, Peter. Everybody loves your columns. I love your columns.
Peter King: They just want to hear about real life, Donnie! That’s what I give them – a window into life on the gridiron! I’m sorry if sometimes people think that makes me a hack.
Don Banks [defeated]: Listen, I’m sorry I even brought it up. Let’s forget I mentioned it. Hey – how’re your Red Sox holding up?
Peter King [mood lightening]: Don’t you count out my Sox just yet, good Buddy! They’re not cooked yet!
Don Banks: Attaboy, Peter. Listen, I should let you go. Please give my best to –
Peter King: ‘Youk’s still got another post-season run in him yet! Say, we should catch a game and some brews sometime.
Don Banks: Sounds like a plan. Bye for –
Peter King: – or we could go for coffee! Doctor says I need to stay away from the stuff, but a man’s got to have his java, am I right?
Don Banks: I really do need to go now. Say hi to the kids for me.
Peter King: Speaking of Laura and Mary Beth, when are we going to set them up with your two boys? Then we’d be in-laws!
Don Banks: I don’t think it works that way, Peter. And anyway –
Peter King: You checked out that Tebow kid yet, Dubs? I got a good feeling about that kid. Good head on his shoulders.
Don Banks [perturbed]: Okay, Peter, I’m going to have to hang up now….
Peter King: And that body! When I saw him at the Combine, I was ready to get on my knees and praise the Lord. Talk about upside potential!
Don Banks [pretending to hang up]: Click.
Peter King [pausing]: You still there, Donnie? Reminds me of the time I was interviewing Ralph Wilson over the phone. I thought he fell asleep, but turns out he had a stroke! Can you imagine?
Don Banks: Peter….I really need to go –
Peter King: COLDPLAY! STARBUCKS! COLGATE UNIVERSITY! GOLDEN RETRIEVERS! HUSTLE! BRETT FAVRE! DELTA! ALL-THAT-IS-GOOD-IN-THE-WORLD-OF-SPORT!
Don Banks [hanging up]: Click.