Because I bought my TV receiver from Skymall, I only just now learned that Canada’s entry into the 2010 Little League World Series lost its game against Chinese Taipei on Tuesday by a score of 23-0!  You read that right - 23 to Zeeeerooo.  What’s more, the game was called after 4 innings!

What kind of heartless bastard tells his team to go out and run the score up by 23 runs?  And just what the hell is “Chinese Taipei” anyway? 

Out of respect for our scrappy Canadian boys, I felt compelled to take to the internet to find out more about these Dragos of the little league baseball world.  Turns out “Chinese Taipei” is the name China calls Taiwan, as a way of distracting the world from the fact that Taiwan does not want to be part of China.  That’s all I could discover from Wikipedia, because I instantly became too bored to keep reading.

Judging by its showing in this year’s Little League World Series, Chines Taipei long ago gave up on international diplomacy to focus instead on worldwide pre-teen baseball diplomacy.  And based on the steady stream of lead-laced toys making their way to our shores from Taiwan on a daily basis, I can only assume that these diminutive powerhouses subsist on a diet of melamine and BPA which gives them the superhuman ability to drive in runners in a clutch manner.

But 23-0?  Talk about a ‘Taipei” personality.

“The Canadian players kept smiles on their faces despite the lopsided loss.”  Well sure, because they’re kids, and they know their parents are still going to take them to Dairy Queen for Peanut Buster Parfaits.  But how did those heartless bastards from Chinese Taipei celebrate their win?  You guessed it: They returned to their hyperbaric chambers at the Cobra Kai Dojo and Baseball Training Centre, awaiting their next victim.

Well, this isn’t over, Chinese Taipei.  And we haven’t forgotten your failed foray into 1980s dance pop. Consider yourself officially on Canada’s shitlist.  And don’t be surprised when you get boarded from behind by a 6′1″ 12-year-old grain-fed Albertan at the next Little League Stanley Cup Finals. 

SWEEP THE LEG!

A mercifully short look at the headlines that shape your world

(Apocalypse) Coming Soon: Labatt Blue, Brewed by Molson

Canadians are expecting an identity crisis the likes of which we haven’t seen since the “I am Canadian” guy was arrested for possession of child porn.

Muskoka Bear Cub Comes to Toronto to Have Broken Leg Fixed, Leaves with Heroin Habit

If I’m a mama bear and I’ve got a cub with a broken leg, I’m going to get it looked at in Sudbury? Yeah right.  Even wildlife know that Toronto is the centre of the universe.

Wyclef Jean Said to be out of Haiti Presidential Race, Fugees

Turns out the first four questions on the application form are: (i) Are you a resident? (ii) Do you Speak French or Creole? (iii) Do you operate a Fraudulent or at least incompetent charity? and (iv) Can you hold a tune?

Bully Street Broads? Women’s Hockey Debated at Summit

As a purist, I am heartened to see that the women have adopted the whole ‘playoff beard’ tradition.

Many US Kids Confused by Equal Sign Also Have Difficulty with Similes

That hasn’t seemed to stop them from using ‘like’ as every third word when they talk.  [ed. note: I hate teens].

Woman Dies in Hwy. 69 Crash, May Have Been Upended

Either that or she was going the wrong way.

Setting: Sparsely decorated hotel room.  Bruce Springsteen plays loudly through iPod speakers while a man sings along in shower.

Telephone rings; An agitated Peter King enters room in bath towel, dripping wet.

Peter King:     Where is that damn Blackberry!  Hello?  Hello?

Don Banks:     Hi, Peter, It’s Don Banks.

Peter King:     Donnie Boy! How’s it hanging, good buddy?

Don Banks:     Things are great, Peter.  Thanks for asking.  Listen, the reason I’m calling is -

Peter King [interrupting]:     You seen Dexter yet? I’m hooked.  Did you get the DVDs I sent you?  You better watch them soon, because they’re from Netflix.

Don Banks:   I did get them, and thanks again.  You didn’t have to -

Peter King:     No problem, D-Man.  Hey, when are you and the missus finally going to check out our new digs?  We’re right in the heart of Beantown, you know!

Don Banks:     That’s very thoughtful, Peter.  I’ll have to check with Alissa and let you -

Peter King:     Say, I ever tell you about the time I was sportfishing in Chesapeake Bay with Bum Phillips?  Guy was half in the bag and nearly fell out the boat when his line got caught in the motor.  Hilarious!

Don Banks:     Yeah, I think you mentioned it once.  Hey listen, I just wanted to ask you a fav-

Peter King:     - and all I could think was - What kind of a name is ‘Bum’ anyway?  Hey - you know what’d be funny? If his last name was Butkus.

Don Banks:     Peter - I need to talk to you about something imp-

Peter King:     Bum Butkus!  That’s what his name would be!  Come to think of it, Dick Butkus is a pretty funny name too.

Don Banks:     That is pretty funny, Peter.  But listen -

Peter King:     Hey Donnie - Are you going to be in town for the SI event next week?  We should go for ribs!  I know this place called Tony Roma’s.

Don Banks [becoming agitated]:     Peter.

Peter King:     It’ll be just like old times, buddy.  K-Man and Donnie Brasco, out on the town!

Don Banks [yelling]:     PETER!

Peter King:     Hold the phone! What is it, Donnie Boy?

Don Banks:     That’s just it, Peter.  Now don’t take this the wrong way, but I was wondering if you could cool it with the nicknames in your columns for a while.

Peter King [deflated]:     You don’t like ‘Donnie Brasco’?

Don Banks:     Listen, you’re a good friend, Peter, but lately your columns make it sound like we’re two childhood friends.

Peter King:     I don’t know what to say.  I was just trying to send a little love to a good friend.

Don Banks:     It’s just that I’ve been getting some ‘uncomfortable’ emails from some of your fans lately.

Peter King:    What are we talking about here, Donnie?  Because if you’re talking about the so-called [ahem] ‘cock shots’, that’s Brett thing.  I was barely even there.

Don Banks:     I just think you might want to tone down the friend angle for a while.  And maybe cool it with the twitter updates.

Peter King [defensive]:     Oh, I can do cool, Don.  In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been at this game for a while.

Don Banks [back-tracking]:     I know, Peter.  You do top-notch work.  I never meant to-

Peter King:     I mean, I practically invented the hip and irreverent top 15 sports format!

Don Banks:    I know, Peter.  Everybody loves your columns. I love your columns.

Peter King:     They just want to hear about real life, Donnie!  That’s what I give them - a window into life on the gridiron!  I’m sorry if sometimes people think that makes me a hack.

Don Banks [defeated]:     Listen, I’m sorry I even brought it up.  Let’s forget I mentioned it.  Hey - how’re your Red Sox holding up?

Peter King [mood lightening]:     Don’t you count out my Sox just yet, good Buddy!  They’re not cooked yet!

Don Banks:     Attaboy, Peter.  Listen, I should let you go.  Please give my best to -

Peter King:     ‘Youk’s still got another post-season run in him yet!  Say, we should catch a game and some brews sometime.

Don Banks:     Sounds like a plan.  Bye for -

Peter King:     - or we could go for coffee!  Doctor says I need to stay away from the stuff, but a man’s got to have his java, am I right?

Don Banks:     I really do need to go now.  Say hi to the kids for me.

Peter King:     Speaking of Laura and Mary Beth, when are we going to set them up with your two boys?  Then we’d be in-laws!

Don Banks:     I don’t think it works that way, Peter.  And anyway -

Peter King:     You checked out that Tebow kid yet, Dubs?  I got a good feeling about that kid.  Good head on his shoulders.

Don Banks [perturbed]:     Okay, Peter, I’m going to have to hang up now….

Peter King:     And that body!  When I saw him at the Combine, I was ready to get on my knees and praise the Lord.  Talk about upside potential!

Don Banks [pretending to hang up]:     Click.

Peter King [pausing]:     You still there, Donnie?  Reminds me of the time I was interviewing Ralph Wilson over the phone.  I thought he fell asleep, but turns out he had a stroke!  Can you imagine?

Don Banks:     Peter….I really need to go -

Peter King:     COLDPLAY! STARBUCKS! COLGATE UNIVERSITY! GOLDEN RETRIEVERS! HUSTLE! BRETT FAVRE! DELTA! ALL-THAT-IS-GOOD-IN-THE-WORLD-OF-SPORT!

Don Banks [hanging up]:     Click.

An insightful look at the headlines that shape your world

Indian iPad Rival to Cost Just $35, is Made Entirely of Lead Paint

So far, the only available app is designed to give users diarrhea.

When Teens Want Tattoos: Your Guide To Interpreting Underage Tramp Stamps

When my five-year-old came to me and said he wanted a Bakugan tattoo, I decided to turn it into a learning experience.  As in, ‘let’s learn about which childhood playthings are likely to become cultural icons and which ones aren’t’.

Crimes Against Humanity, as Seen by Alanis Morrissette: Khmer Rouge Chief Jailer Gets 35 Years

Could have been worse.  He could have been handed over to the dreaded Khmer Bleu.

Pamela Anderson, Foie Gras Foe, Vacuous Tit Model

Seriously though, is there anything meat-related that this woman isn’t against?

Billy Corgan Collapses on Stage in Self-Indulgent Triumph of Tortured Artistry

If whining were an acceptable form of singing, then this guy would be a rock star.

Genny Ultra Strong: World’s Strongest Beer Launches as $762 a Bottle

You don’t even want to know what a tallboy costs.

 Paralyzed Therapy Cat Inspires Patients with Touching Hommage to the Futility of Life

Toonces: The Aftermath

An insightful look at the headlines you thought you knew

Was El Chupacabra Spotted in Texas? If so, Would Likely Constitute Parole Violation

“Goatsucker” indeed.

BP Stops Oil Leak, Enters Critical ‘Dividend Re-Introduction’ Phase

What a shame.  I hear that the convenience of being able to fry shrimp directly in the ocean was beginning to revolutionize the seafood business.

29 Killed in Iraq Hotel Fire; First Non-Violent Deaths in Middle East in Decades

Seriously, wouldn’t you be a little pissed off if you survived living for years in wartorn Iraq, only to be killed in a hotel fire?

In North Korean, American, Health Care, If You Don’t Have Money, You Die

As a Canadian, this is one of the few areas in which I feel comfortable taking the moral high ground.  Now please excuse me while I wait in a hospital waiting room for 18 hours to have my hernia attended to.

Elderly Mobility, As Seen by Alanis Morrissette: Elderly Couple Dies Trapped in Home Elevator

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

Tour de France Rider Booted After Headbutt in 11th Stage; Also, Probably Drugs

Headbutts? Drugs? Hidden motors?  What is the Tour do France coming to?  Luckily we have an infallible hero like Lance Armstrong to show us the direction for the future of this maligned sport: plastic bracelets with inspirational messaging.

Holocaust Survivor’s Dance Sparks Controversy as Few Attend

Some felt they were just too old to dance.  Others were still wary of enclosed spaces and mixed drinks.

An insightful if hastily prepared look at the headlines that shape your world

‘Glee’ Earns 19 Emmy Nominations as Awards Show Jumps Shark

Curiously, 18 of the Emmy nominations were in the ‘Seizure-Inducing Claptrap’ category.

Demetri Martin: Serious About Comedy, Bangs

He should join the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.  Now that would be funny.

Just be sure to always travel with lots of unmarked bills and with clothing that can easily slip over your head.

Man Who Fell 30 Feet is ‘Die-Hard Fan’ of Eating Through Tube

Now I’m confused about whether he’s really into baseball, or whether he’s a Bruce Willis buff.

Baby Used as Decoy in Robbery Looking Forward to a Lifetime of Feeling Used

The guy who recently stole my bike didn’t need a decoy baby to carry out his dastardly deed.  But it would have made for a better story.  Instead, I gift-wrapped it for him by leaving at the end of the driveway leaning against my car (the bike, that is.  Not my baby.)

Poland has Three Presidents in One Day, Causing Jay Leno’s Writers to Exult

How many Polish presidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  That depends.  Is it Inauguracja Day?

Our apologies for the lack of posts, but we’ve been hard at work on preparations for Food Court Lunch’s protest of the G20 Summit in Toronto over the next few days.

 And just what exactly will we be protesting, you might ask?  Naturally, we’ll be protesting the banks’ conspiracy to have Dion Phaneuf appointed captain of the Maple Leafs, thus ensuring another decade of non-competitiveness.  I hope you’re ready for a burning effigy of Wendel Clark (or Clark himself, depending on availability), you fatcats!

If you find yourself in downtown Toronto tomorrow and you don’t have a cause to violently trumpet or aren’t a trust fund baby with time on your hands and a loose affiliation with a cause, then you’re probably one of the poor saps working for those banks and corporations that tend to draw the ire of so many destructive whiners.  What can you do to ensure that (i) you aren’t trampled by jackbooted PETA activists or (ii) immediately set upon by police blackjacks?  The security experts are recommending that employees wear “protestor-like” clothing.  In other words, put away the three piece Zegna suit and pull on your jeans and ethically-sourced cotton t-shirt.

 But consider for a second the plight of the downtown bike couriers.  They have to work in the Red Zone, but also happen to dress like anarchic protestors on a daily basis!  How do we tell these mildly threatening people apart from the actual Tyler Durdens?  See our helpful “Anarchist or Analyst?” guide below!

Anarchist (Mildly Threatening, Myopic)

Financial Analyst (non-threatening, but prone to causing credit crunches)

Bike Courier (Highly Unstable)

House of Pain Enthusiasts (erratically threatening)

Fatcat (cuddly but dividend-crazed)

Cellular Phone Company Executive (not funny)

Good Christian Lad (Insufferable)

Grammar Anarchists (confusing)

Foreigner (colonially threatening)

An Insightful Look at the Headlines that Shape Your World - Now Featuring Even More Inconsistent Picture Sizes!

Second Woman in Penguin Sexual Harassment Case Frantically Calls Relatives to Clarify Confusing News Reports

I’m sorry, but this must be the most boring penguin sexual harassment story in the history of fantasy fiction.

Man Held for Impersonating US Soldier Also Claims to be Former Blue Jays Manager

Actually, he was just firing indiscriminately into a crowd of A-rabs, but you can understand the confusion.

Tiffani Thiessen Welcomes Baby Girl, Flowers from Someone Calling Himself Dustin “Screech” Diamond

I see she’s dropped the “Amber”, presumably to give her a more ‘grown-up’ persona.  But the ‘i’ in Tiffani remains?

Aruba to Quiz van der Sloot in Peru: Q. Did You Kill Natalee Holloway? A) Yes; B) No; C) Maybe

I was similarly ‘quizzed’ by HR about ‘inappropriately using employee washrooms to hang laundry’.

Bangladesh Asks Shopping Malls to Close for World Cup; Don’t Worry, Western World: It’s Business As Usual at the Sweatshops

Those Haggar Wrinkle-Free slacks are not going to make themselves, people.

Two-Faced Kitten Born with Rare Condition: Two-Facedness

That’s just God’s way of saying dogs are way better than cats.

Hasselhoff Resumes Role that Made Him Famous: Drunk, Shirtless Hamburger Eater

Seriously though, what legacy are they referring to? Knight Rider? Baywatch? Berlin Wall Toppler? 

An Insightful Look at the Headlines that Shape Your World

Ikea Cinnamon Bun is Cheap, But Chock Full of Calories, Chipboard

Have you ever dropped your child off at the IKEA ballroom just so you can leave the IKEA and go out for dinner in  peace?  No, neither have I.

Eight is Enough (to Land You in Jail): Man Had 7 Kids with Own Daughter

By the seventh child , the gene pool was so concentrated that the doctors were not really surprised by the whole cyclops thing.

Blackhawks Win Stanley Cup, Punch Maple Leaf Fans in the Groin

Our only hope is that Colton Orr will finally evolve into Jonathan Toews.

Failure to Tap into Immigrants’ Skills Costs Billions as Tasty Dishes go Unserved

Yes, I know immigrants can do more than food service jobs.  But making the “how many child soldiers does Canada really need?” joke seemed kind of heartless.

The Liberals Are Like Ms. Havisham, Says Grade 9 Political Affairs Analyst

If memory serves, Ms. Havisham was a key character in either Great Expectations, Wuthering Heights or The Catcher in the Rye.

Marriage on the Rocks? Say Hello to Gin

I love when, under the auspices of ‘Lifestyle’ news, newspapers run these “Hey! Forget all that stuff about crumbling economies and oil geysers - Here’s a way to get drunk that you might not have tried yet!” type stories.

Promoter Sues Aerosmith for $6 Million over Cancelled Concerts, Wasted Fabric Streamers

To recap - one of the members of Aerosmith (I can’t recall if it’s the dessicated singer or similarly dessicated guitar player) either had a drug relapse or fell off a stage and injured himself.  I don’t have time to research these sorts of things.

Controversial Chocolate Flavour Baby Formula Ends Production

Save your indignation for the next time you treat your kids to Happy Meals for lunch and dinner because your wife is in Law Vegas for a bachelorette party.

From the May 30, 2010 edition of The Miami Herald: