As you are no doubt aware, it’s National Bagged Milk Day, which is a statutory holiday in Canada.  Apparently the fact that we choose to imbibe cow secretions from a plastic bag makes us special.What I’m trying to get at here is the fact that we’re not in the office today so stop checking for updates, and for God’s sake stop calling us about availability for birthday parties.So in the meantime, why not take this chance to click on some of the ads from our delicious corporate overlords?  Me, I choose to drink my milk mixed with some delicious Appleton Estate Rum, while washing down a tasty Big King Deluxe hanburger sandwich.

An insightful look at the headlines that shape your world

Phaneuf Says Leafs Playoff Hopes Alive; Is Obviously New in Town

He’s obviously assuming that the Leafs-led Board of Governors vote to remove goal scoring from the game completely will pass.

Iran Sends Animals to Space, Protesters to Sweet Hereafter

Message to Iran: Baby-steps, please.  Why don’t you focus on completely debunking the Holocaust first before you try your hand at interplanetary travel?

Iran Claims Launch of Research Rocket into Space, Israel

Actually, it was more of an arc through space into Israel.  And the ‘research’ was on Semite Flammability.  But let’s not be nitpicky. 

There’s Another Thing Short People are Ruining for Us: Dwarves Cast doubt on ‘Fountain of Youth’ Growth Hormone

First they take over TLC.  Now they want voting rights?  I say it’s time to take a stand against these immoral midgets.

I Am Not My Mood Disorder, You Fucking Asshole! I Love You, Honey.  Hey, Are Those Chips? Where Are My Pills?

I think the term ‘Mood Disorder’ is overused.  In our household, we call them ‘adult tantrums’ or ‘alcoholic outbursts’.

This Week in Suggestive Quotation Marks: Brad and Angelina, ‘Loving Couple’

Personally, I’ve always been hoping for the day when Angelina and her brother get back together.

Please Don’t Tell Jenny McCarthy, but Lancet Retracts Controversial Autism Study

 Turns out autism is not caused by exposure to Dr. Seuss.

Sanctimonious Cat Living in Nursing Home has Uncanny Ability to Predict Death

Interestingly, all of the nursing home residents who have died during the last year were allergic to cats.

Nine-Year-Old Chinese Girl Gives Birth; Demands Pancakes for Breakfast

They’re more efficient at everything.

Our fair city has been hit with another cold spell this week, and so it should come as no surprise that I once again woke up this morning frozen to the sidewalk.  That being the case, instead of an actual, current post, we’re going to take a look back at an FCL “Classic” post, from the days before we were not yet beholden to the corporate overlords at APPLETON ESTATE RUM and MICROSOFT. 

So pull up a chair and enjoy this little number from May 7, 2008!  Some of these still make sense, and others were based on rumours circulating at the time which have since either been forgotten or debunked.  Either way, it’s the best you’re going to get from us today.

The Definitive List of Professional Athletes’ Vanity Licence Plates

As editors of a non-profit sports and entertainment blog, we are regularly granted exclusive access to sporting events.  Some sports writers might use this unfettered access to get the inside scoop on professional athletes in their native environment; namely, the locker room. 

But we at Food Court Lunch do things a little bit differently.  We know that the canned answers that professional athletes dole out like homespun wisdom in locker room interviews rarely tell anything about what is actually going in the athletes’ heads. We’ve discovered that you can actually learn more about a professional athlete by spending some time in the athletes’ parking lot, looking at what is printed on their license plates.  It’s like a window into their souls.

What follows is Food Court Lunch’s definitive list of actual vanity license plates of professional athletes.  We leave the conclusions as to what each of the plates actually says about the athlete’s state of mind up to you.

Elijah Dukes: 

Dwyane Wade: 

Frank Thomas:

Terrell Owens:

Derek Jeter:

Maurice Clarett:

Pacman Jones: (car presumed stolen)

Roger Clemens:

Shawn Kemp:

 Reggie Bush:

Prince Fielder:

Oscar De La Hoya:

Travis Henry: (two cars)

Sean Avery:

Jaromir Jagr:

Vince Carter:

Michael Vick:

Dany Heatley:

Dmitri Young:

Phil Mickelson:

Latrell Sprewell:

Tony Romo:

Tracy McGrady:

John Rocker:

Add more as you find ‘em, folks!

An Insightful Look at the Headlines that Shape Your World

Intruder in Susan Boyle’s Home Treated to Inspiring Wail

 Say what you will about Susan Boyle, but she is one ugly lady.

That Time of the Month? Stop It With the iPad Jokes Already

I’d buy one of these, but I don’t feel like doing all of my computing on a Ms. Pacman table.

Men Don’t Cheat Because Wives are Ugly; They Cheat Because Thai Ladyboys are So Approachable

I would encourage all concerned wives to get themselves a copy of John Edwards’ seminal autobiography, Gettin’ Strange.

‘Avatar’ Called Anti-Military, Anti-Faith, Pro-Smurf

Judging by its nearly 3-hour running time, Avatar is also Anti-Urination.

Better With Age? Seniors Report Spicy, Unappetizing, Sex Life 

Hint: It’s like two flesh handbags exchanging glances.

A Mother’s Touch? Nebraska Woman Charged for Having Sex with Teenage Son

Son? It’s about time we had a talk about the birds and the bees.  Oh, I see.  Your mother covered that already.

NAMBLA Travel Guide: The Art of Taking an Infant’s Passport Photo

Two allusions to incest in a row! This calls for a delicious Burger King Big King Sandwich and a rum and Coke made with refreshing Appleton Estates Rum!

Are You Concerned with the Direction the Team is Headed?

Are You Longing for the Days of Joe Carter and Robbie Alomar?

 Of Course You Are!

But have no fear: The Jays have their top man on the job.  And he’s not some dime-a-dozen baseball lifer who’s seen and done everything; no, we got ourselves a cracker-jack college boy, with a neat haircut and a notebook!

So that’s why, like me, you are probably filled with optimism when Alex Anthopoulos steps up to the mic and announces his first order of business on the Jays’ long road to respectability is acquiring a … Merkin?

Maybe I read the headline wrong.  Let’s see here …

Nope, it would appear that in an effort to shore up the bullpen, we definitely paid cash for a pubic wig.  On the plus side, this particular pubic wig happens to be able to throw a 98 mile an hour fastball.

So what’s next, young Alex? Signing Spooge Hargrove off waivers?  A trade for Choda Figgins? Albert Pujols?

Only time will tell.

A critical look at the headlines that shape your world

Oh, Toonces! Beloved Commuter Cat Killed by Car

Actually, he was killed by the wheel of the car.

Dying Dennis Hopper Files for Divorce: ’This Marriage is Killing Me’

Dennis Hopper is dying?  Now who’s going to play the cartoonishly intense villain in shitty movies?

Goodbye, Mudville Nuevo: Offerman Banned for Life from Dominican League

The high moral standards of the Dominican League will not be impugned! As predicted, Offerman’s contract was quickly bought out by the Tortuga Summer League.

Taco Bell Founder Dies at Age 86, Corpse Hungry Again 5 Minutes Later

Goodbye, Gordita Crunch Supreme III.  We Hardly knew ye.

Wyclef Jean Calls for Evacuation of Haiti’s Capital, Relaxation of Accounting Standards

Suspiciously silent through all of this charity fraud brouhaha: the rest of the Fugees.

Anderson Cooper Assists Injured Boy; Nancy Grace Consumes Sandwich

Congratulations, readers!  We know live in a world where it is acceptable for the top headline for a respected news agency to be a story about one of their photogenic reporters shamelessly inserting (sorry, “embedding”) himself into a human tragedy for ratings.

Sometimes a Punchline isn’t Required: David Blaine Does Magic to Help Haiti 

Blaine became frustrated when the thirsty Haitians repeatedly drank all of the water out of his submerged chamber before he could conclude the trick.

Peter King’s NFL Playoff Analysis Will Confound You, Experts

But for those of you from Montclair, N.J. who love coffee, heartfelt stories about life in militarized Iraq, and NFL fan fiction, you’re gonna love it!

An insightful gander into the headlines that shape your world

From Bikinis to Burkas: A Guide to Hiding the Freshman Fifteen

Somewhere, Toby Keith has taken his notebook out of his back pocket and is furiously scribbling down lyrics ideas for his next song.

This Week in Alanis Morrissette Lyrics: Exotic Animal Owner Killed by 650-Pound Tiger

The real irony here is that the man was wearing a Bengals jacket.

Mandel to Replace Hasselhoff on ‘America’s Got Talent’; TV Studio to Fire Casting Agency

Does it bother anyone that, unlike with the Supreme Court, our nation’s legislators do not have a chance to grill talent judges about their beliefs before they are acclaimed?

Una Compania de Cerveza Por Favor? Heineken Buys Dos Equis

You didn’t hear it here, but word is that the actor playing “World’s Most Interesting Man” is set to be replaced by the ING guy.

That Ain’t Baby Fat, Honey: No Baby on Board for Kardashian

Also, Ms. Kardashian, as your doctor I must advise you that you have a butterface.

Kids’ Jewelry from China Found to be Toxic, Affordable

You buy your kid’s Christening jewelry at the dollar store, you takes your chances.

This Week in Computer-Generated Headlines: Lindsay Lohan in Hit & Run

Yep.  Slow news day.

Full-Day Kintergarten Plan Draws Fire as Teachers Contemplate “Full Day of Work” Nightmare

I, for one, fully support the full-day kindergarten initiative, and not just because it means I get 6 full hours to myself at home on weekdays.  Rather, I’m seriously concerned that our children are falling behind the rest of the world in playground games.  Won’t somebody think of the children?

Undoing what had become the greatest blight on Toronto’s professional sports history, Chris Bosh has finally surpassed Vince Carter to set the Raptors all-time scoring record.  The record-setting moment came in the third quarter of a surprising win against the San Antonio Spurs last night, causing Raptor fans to exult.

Most NBA fans outside of Toronto aren’t aware of just how insulting it was to have the most scoringest person in franchise history also be the greatest sports villain in the history of the city.  But imagine you’re a Yankees fan and Manny Ramirez came to town, set all major scoring records and then decide he’d rather take a shit on the pitcher’s mound than play and leaves town, but not before deciding to attend his university graduation (this is where the analogy falls apart) on the day of the biggest playoff game in team history.  Now you understand how Toronto feels about Vince Carter.  And the fact that Vince comes back to play against the Raptors 3 times a year and shoots the lights out certainly doesn’t help (he plays defence now?).

Well, it doesn’t matter any more, because finally the Raptors have a franchise player who suits the sensibilities of the fanbase.  It’s like replacing Barry Bonds with Roberto Clemente.  Consider the differences between Carter and Bosh:

Vince Carter:

• Stabbed Doug Gilmour in a restaurant altercation while questioning his ‘heart’
• Repeatedly stated a preference for American beer
• Once played an entire quarter with his shoes off
• Referred to Chuck Swirsky as “the fetus”
• had ACLs made of glass
• Said he liked Toronto, but lied

Conversely, Chris Bosh:

• Frequently addresses fans in both French and English
• Apologizes in advance when setting picks
• Plays the mandolin like an angel
• Does not have an ‘outspoken’ mother
• Actually rebounds

So congratulations, Toronto Raptors fans!  You can finally relax your shoulders and let loose a collective sigh of relief.  That is, at least until the end of the 2010 season, when Bosh leaves to join the Houston Rockets and we’re left with a big Turkish guy, a couple of Italians and a befuddled Spaniard.

Do you understand what he is saying? I cannot.

Adding insight to the world’s headlines since 2007

John Kerry’s Wife Says She’s Fighting Breast Cancer; Fox News Skeptical

Here go those Democrats again with all of their whining and crackpot theories about ‘cancer’ and ‘metastasizing blastomas’.  Sheesh.

Schumacher Confirms Return to F1; Finds Wife and Family ‘Boring’

Nobody’s asking, but Ralf is enjoying retirement quite nicely, thank you very much.

60-Pound Beaver Attacks Boy as Fake Headline Writer Struggles for Punchline

We’ll just leave that one up to the masses.

Homeless Vaccinated Against H1N1, Urged to Find Homes

With H1N1 out of the way, all that’s left to tackle is the three-headed Hydra of crippling addictions, mental illness and the breakdown of social security.

Men’s Ears, Noses ordered Cut Off by Maniacal Otolaryngologist

Strangely, their throats were spared.

Got a Sticky Situation on Your Hands? Handling a Bad Gift from Boyfriend

Just do me a favour and don’t use the nice towels, okay?  Those are for guests.

Prince William Homeless? Nope, Not Even

Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for a member of the Royal family spending a night living among homeless people whilst heavily-armed bodyguards look on anxiously in order to raise awareness of the plight of homeless people.  Oh wait a second.  I’m actually not in favour of that.

Blackberry Users Struggle with Email Outage, Direct Human Contact

And no, in case you were wondering, the Blackberry outage was not the cause of the dearth of Food Court Lunch posts this week.  The real cause? Last minute preparations for the World Junior Hockey Tournament, naturally.

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the professional athletes, who perpetrate the crimes, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Dun-DUN!

Traffic Laws: NFL’s Chris Henry Fights for Life After Fall From Truck

What’s the crime here, you say? Perhaps squandering God-given athletic talent? Fathering multiple children out of wedlock? No, you sanctimonious bastard: the crime is riding in the back of a pickup truck on an interstate highway without suitable restraints, contrary to North Carolina’s Highway Traffic Code.  Hopefully Henry survives and we can just look back on this incident as another episode in his quest to make every facet of his life a “domestic incident”.

UPDATE: Oh boy.  CNN is now reporting that Chris Henry succumbed to his injuries.  This has officially been downgraded from a “domestic incident” to a “tragic incident”.  Sad.

Aggravated Assault to the Heart: Halladay-Lee 4-Team Blockbuster Deal Completed

It may not be a felony, but for Blue Jays fans this certainly feels a lot like somebody just broke into our house and stole the Christmas tree.  Sniff…

Getting Your Drink on Whilst Driving: Weems Facing DUI Charge

At first I read this headline and thought “Oh My God! Sonny Weems charged with a DUI?  There goes the Raptors season.”  But turns out it was Eric Weems, a receiver for a football outfit called the ‘Atlanta Falcons’.  God, if they reported every DUI in the NHL, there’d be no room for ads in the newspaper.

International Law: Sweden Angry at Tiger Woods

Foreign affairs minister Bjorn Dvaeger is reportedly pursuing sanctions against Woods for his marital indiscretions, including (i) flagellation with a cedar bough/sauna confinement; (ii) the “IKEA Maze Torture”; and (iii) lethal meatball injection.

Problems With the Ladies: ESPN Beauty Wants Maximum Sentence for Stalker

So, to recap: you’re merely supposed to be titillated by Erin Andrews, people - not compelled to drive across state lines to rig peepholes in multiple hotels and then broadcast the images for all to see on the internet.  Let’s chalk it up as a lesson learned.

 Worldwide Cults: Olympic Torch Relay Passes Through Toronto

You know what else is passing through Toronto right now? Apathy about the Olympics.  Perhaps fueled by the fact that a full 95 percent of the people chosen to carry the torch were local sports reporters.  On the plus side, I’d be interested to see if it is physically possible for a radio sports guy to jog for 1 kilometre.

Antitrust Law: Bettman to Leafs: There is No Veto

For those of you who don’t follow hockey closely (i.e., Americans), here’s a summary of the issues:

(i) Pursuant to a deal Harold Ballard made with the devil in the 1980s, the owners of the Maple Leafs were given a licence to print money; (ii) There are at least 3 Canadian metropolitan areas that could support NHL teams, including the Greater Toronto Area, BUT (iii) US TV revenues are the real nut that Bettman and the current owners are chasing, AND (iv) US TV viewers will not, under any circumstances watch Canadian teams play hockey on TV, AND (v) the owners of the Maple Leafs would sooner bludgeon Jim Balsillie with a first-generation Blackberry than allow another team in its defined market area.  So you do the math.