Wed 3 Aug 2011
Jimmy: Hey! This is a great beach!
Lars: Isn’t it totally amazing? I just discovered it a few weeks ago.
Jimmy: Perfect place to spend a Saturday, catching some rays and nursing a hangover.
Lars: Yep. Look, there’s a spot right over there.
(Walk to spot, lay down towels)
Jimmy: (flops down on towel) Oh, man. I am never moving.
Lars: (applying sunscreen) Careful there. You might accidentally make a move from translucent to just pale.
Jimmy: It’s a proud Scottish complexion. And quit scoping out my tan, fag.
Lars: Self-hating. Speaking of tans…(hands over sunscreen)…here, get my back.
Jimmy: Heh. You wish.
Lars: I’m serious. C’mon, I burn like a motherfucker.
Jimmy: No way!
Lars: What do you mean, ‘no way’?
Jimmy: I mean, ‘no way am I putting sunscreen on your back’.
Lars: Why not?
Jimmy: Because I’m not, end of story!
Lars: (shifts backwards towards him) Seriously, do it, or else I’ll be peeling for weeks.
Jimmy: Get away from me, dude!
Lars: Hey, what’s your friggin’ problem, man?
Jimmy: I don’t have the problem. You do. You have an unlotioned back, and you need to find someone other than me to take care of it.
Lars: I can’t believe this.
Jimmy: (pulls hat over eyes, lays back) This conversation is over.
Lars: PUT THE FUCKIN’ LOTION ON MY BACK BEFORE I BURN YOU SELFISH PRICK!
Guy Walking By: Meow! Trouble in paradise, ladies?
Jimmy: (pops up) You see? That’s exactly why I’m not doing it.
Jimmy: Because it’s gay.
Lars: So what?
Jimmy: So what? Why don’t you ask a girl to do it?
Lars: Look around, dumbshit. Do you see any girls?
Jimmy: (looks around) Now that you mention it – I don’t.
Lars: You sound surprised.
Jimmy: Of course I’m sur…wait a minute. Did…did you take me to a gay beach?
Lars: What does it look like? But if I knew you were going to be such a bitch about it, I would have taken you some place else.
Jimmy: What do you mean, ‘taken me’?
Lars: Oh, so now you’re going to tell me that you just want to be friends?
Lars: (angry) What?
Jimmy: I’m not gay.
Lars: What? Course you are.
Jimmy: No, I ain’t.
Lars: Come on, now.
Jimmy: I’m not, dude. Sorry.
Lars: But you answered my personal ad in The Recycler?
Jimmy: No, I answered your ad in the classifieds.
Lars: Oh man. I’ve got to start keeping those phone numbers straight.
Lars: Jesus, I feel like such a tool.
Jimmy: For what it’s worth, I don’t care that you are, dude.
Lars: Ah, hell, I don’t even know if I am. It’s just, like, a stage that every single Danish person has to go through for some reason.
Jimmy: Well, whatever. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.
Lars: Ah, no problem. But say, know how you could make it up to me?
Lars: Put the lotion on my back.
Jimmy: Ask me again, and this band’s over before it starts.
Lars: Fine. (kicks sand angrily) You know, for the pain in the ass that you’re turning out to be, you sure as shit better end up the greatest songwriter in metal history.
Jimmy: Hey, save it for band counseling, fella.
Lars: Yeah. Like that’s a thing.
(The both laugh)
Lars: Say, do you think that Mustaine guy is gay?
AND THAT, CHILDREN, IS THE STORY OF THE FORMATION OF METALLICA!