(Hospital. Toronto. Hours after Hedo Turkoglu has fractured his orbital bone in a game against Indiana)

Bryan Colangelo: How is he, Doc?

Doctor: Oh, he’s fine. He’s just resting up in post-op.

Colangelo: So he’s going to make it?

Doctor: What’s that?

Colangelo: He’s going to survive the surgery?

Doctor: Of course. The injuries to his face were far from life threatening.

Colangelo: You’re sure now?

Doctor: Quite sure.

Colangelo: Because, if his quality of life is in any way going to be affected, you shouldn’t be afraid to…you know…”yanky plugy”?

Doctor: Mr. Colangelo, I…

Colangelo: I’ll give you a million dollars.

Doctor: Excuse me?

Colangelo: Never mind.

Doctor: (raises eyebrow suspiciously) He’s going to be fine. In fact, I would venture to guess he’ll be better than ever.

Colangelo: How do you mean?

Doctor: Well, why don’t you see for yourself? Come with me.

(They walk to the area just outside Hedo’s room)

Doctor: Now, as a reminder, here is a picture of what he looked like before the surgery.

Colangelo: The reminder seems unnecessary, but okay.

Doctor: Now…behold!

(The doctor opens the door)

(more…)

(Raptors practice. Chris Bosh sits on the bench reading the box score from the previous night’s game)

Bosh: Man, twelve rebounds for Andrea again last night? What the heck has gotten into him lately?

Jose Calderon: Ah. It is not what has gotten into him, my friend Christopher, but what we are able to finally bring out.

Bosh: You’re talking crazy again, Jose.

Calderon: Oh, is I? Watch this.

(Calderon walks over to Andrea Bargnani, who is standing listlessly under the basket during a shoot around)

Calderon: Hello, Andrea!

Bargnani: Whadda you wantah, Jose?

Calderon: (pokes Bargnani in the ribs) Up!

Bargnani: Hey! Stoppa that, or you gonna found out!

Calderon: (chasing and poking Bargnani) Come now! Up! Up!

Bargnani: Stop that! Itta tickles!

(Bargnani leaps back to avoid Calderon, and a rebound falls directly into his hands)

Bargnani: Hmm?

Calderon: Very good, Andrea! Here - have a pizza bite.

(Calderon opens his hand to reveal a pizza bite, which he hands to Bargnani)

Bargnani: Mmm. Squisito. Give another to me!

Calderon: Up! Up!

(Frantic, Bargnani swings his elbows, jumps up and yanks down a rebound. He immediately turns back and faces Calderon)

Bargnani: There. Now make-ah witta the little pizza.

Calderon: Here you go! (tosses pizza bite at Bargnani)

Bargnani: (chewing)

Calderon: (rubbing Bargnani’s neckbeard) That’s a good Il Mago.

(Bargnani swallows, turns around, and begins rebounding determinedly)

Calderon: (to Bosh) Do you see?

Bosh: Well, I’ll be. How did you do that?

Calderon: It is a technique Jose learns from his cousin. You simply lead the person to do the thing you want him to do, and then give him a reward he likes when he do it.

Bosh: What, forever?

Calderon: No, soon they will do it without the treat. With Italian centers, it takes about forty days.

Bosh: Wow. Impressive. Has it worked on anyone else?

Calderon: Well, you be the judge to tell me! Look at this one.

(Calderon gestures to Raptors announcer Jack Armstrong, who stands nearby, smiling and ogling the practicing Raptors Dance Pak. The dancers are visibly uncomfortable)

Calderon: First, distract. (claps hands) Hello, Mr. Armstrong!

Armstrong: (turns around) Hey, Jose! How’s it goin’?

Calderon: (to Bosh) Then, lead to behavior we want. (to Armstrong) Very good! Say, look at what I have! (Calderon shakes a steel flask)

(Armstrong’s focus immediately shifts to the flask; he jogs lightly over to Jose)

Armstrong: Say, Jose - how’s about giving ol’ Jack a quick taste?

Calderon: Of course. (Calderon slowly walks over to a courtside table; Armstrong follows the flask intently)

Calderon: Have a seat, Mr. Armstrong.

(Armstrong sits down attentively)

Calderon: (to Bosh) Now, reward. (to Armstrong) Here you go.

(Calderon pours a shot of whiskey into Armstrong’s mouth. Armstrong swallows it, and immediately begins preparing handwritten answers to fan emails)

Bosh: Well done. That’ll save a couple lawsuits at least.

Calderon: That one is taking a while.

Bosh: Well, you know what they say - you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Calderon: Oh, Christopher, you are being silly. Mr. Armstrong is not a dog - he is old man!

Bosh: Uh, yeah. Just playing with you, Jose.

Calderon: Heh. Jokes.

Bosh: Well, since you got all these new found powers…what are we going to do about Hedo?

Calderon: Oh, Hedo? Well, I do not feel comfortable doing this to my most special friend, so for him, I bring in someone special. My cousin Cesar.

Bosh: Not…not Cesar Millan.

Calderon: Si.

Bosh: Get out of here. The Dog Whisperer is your cousin?

Calderon: All people who speak Spanish are cousins. And don’t worry - if anyone can help Hedo, it is he. Look, there they is now.

(Calderon gestures to the other side of the gym. Cesar Millan is slowly backing Hedo into a corner)

Millan: Come on, Hedo.

Hedo: (anxious) BRAAAGGGGGHHH!

Millan: Here. Look at the baklava.

Hedo: (intrigued) KRAWN?

Millan: Good. Now, let’s try this again. I’m going to start this 24-second clock. I need you to wait ten seconds, and then shoot the ball with both feet balanced. Can you do this?

Hedo: (determined) FRARP!

Millan: Okay…GO!

(Hedo picks up a basketball, immediately throws it straight up the air, and promptly runs headfirst into the wall)

Hedo: (rubbing head) SNALLPPP!

Millan: (resigned) Okay, Hedo. Good try. Here, take the baklava.

(Hedo smiles, grabs the pastry and sits down on the floor. Millan walks slowly over to Calderon and Bosh)

Calderon: (smiling) How is he doing, cousin Cesar? Is he all fixed up yet?

Millan: (sighing) Sit down, cousin Jose.

Calderon: (sits) Yes?

Millan: Cousin Jose…do you remember when we told you your friend Jorge went to live on a farm…?

Gourmet Spud took time from his busy schedule of masturbation, cemetery vandalism and light opera choreography to write a few twitters this week: 

Nothing to lose, Gervais - time to make a Brown Bunny joke.

“FUCK YOU BRENDAN FRASER!” “Apologies, it’s involuntary. Happens whenever he comes on screen. Got me kicked out of a screening of Monkeybone.”

It would be awesome if someone had snuck a clip of Kangaroo Jack into this Scorcese montage.

James Cameron (arms raised): “I’m the head blue chief guy of Pandora!”

I find the word ‘puking’ so gauche and undignified. Which is why I always refer to it using the proper medical terminology, ‘wet heaving’. In other news, I had a spot of food poisoning this Sunday past where I was wet heaving so robustly, I’d scarcely noticed I had shit myself.

Messin’ around on iTunes Sunday, and thought it’d be fun to see how many steps it would take for Genius to recommend Methods of Mayhem album. Lost count of the number of steps, but I did spend $740 (including complete Korn discography). I’m…starting to think it wasn’t worth it.

There’s no such thing as a free lunch? B.S. You keep clinging to your trite moral-isms; I’ll keep putting hairs in my 3/4-eaten Big Macs.

What kind of man owns a pink cellphone? One who is confident in his masculinity and got a helluva deal at Best Buy, alright? Assholes.

How many? How many more fake Rolex peddlers, flashers and school shooters do we need before the gov’t creates a trenchcoat-buyers registry?

All I do these days is send out congrats to friends who’ve had babies. Just once I want to be congratulated for not getting anyone pregnant. Do they have any idea how hard I work to be this unattractive to women? These are kneepit sweat stains, folks! Those take a lot of squats.

Overheard at Blockbuster: “Excuse me, sir - Where The Wild Things Are?” “Them is in discount bin, next to the Mummys and the Boiler Rooms.”

Ever hear the saying, “God helps those who help themselves?” Well, you know who hasn’t? Wendy’s employees. Seriously, who the hell designated them the sole arbiters of whether I could put Frosty sauce on my fries?

There’s a certain sexiness to a woman in a pharmacist’s coat. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it may be the ready access to percocet. On that same note, there’s a certain sexiness to my Uncle Dave’s unattended medicine cabinet…

Canadian Opera Company will now offer $12 standing room tix. Great deal, but getting kicked in the balls for 4 hours is still free, right?

I try to start each day with a good deed. Eg today I saw a redheaded couple looking at pregnancy kits, so I gave social services a heads-up. Even though my averted albino baby friend won’t ever be able to thank me, I’m just happy knowing I’ve made a difference.

They say that you should dress for the job you want. Well, it just so happens the job I want is the role of Mr. Mistoffelees in ‘Cats’.

I hate when I leave myself cryptic reminders that I can’t decipher a week later. “Feel Neighbour’s Dog”? What the hell does that mean?? Oh wait, that says “Feed”. *Feed* neighbour’s…oh shit.

How old were you when you realized bus drivers didn’t sit and wait outside all day until school was out? Anyone else for eighteen?

Ziggy Wilf, pictured here with Ziggy’s Milf.

The refs aren’t even reviewing these things. They’re just watching Avatar in 45 second increments.

In: “Hartley A Doubt” Headlines. Out: “Shit Kickers” Headlines.

You can follow the pimpin’ potato at http://twitter.com/gourmetspud.

Thanks to Semper for passing along this delightful video remix of Ol’ Goofball’s quintessentially Fras-tastic reaction to a Robert DeNiro joke at last Sunday’s Golden Globes. My only complaint is that it happened less than a week after our Punchable Faces feature on him, because I’ll be damned if this isn’t the best of them all.

Don’t ever change, you big lug:

(Recording studio. New York City, New York)

Cameron: Jay! Good to see you, man. Thanks for coming in.

Jay-Z: ‘Sup, man. Good to be here.

Cameron: So, I don’t know how much your people told you about what we’re doing here today.

Jay-Z: L’il bit.

Cameron: Okay, well, we’ve been recording a benefit song featuring some of the most prominent, but also some of the most socially conscious, hip-hop artists in the game. Our goal is to raise awareness and hopefully some money for infant children in Africa who are living with AIDS. So far we’ve brought in L’il Wayne, Kanye, Talib, Common and Mos Def, and they each laid down their own verse. Now we just need yours to wrap it all up.

Jay-Z: Saving the best for last, baby. I feel you.

Cameron: Heh heh. Exactly. So, I’m just going to head back into the booth, hit the beat, and you start whenever you’re ready.

Jay-Z: Man, I’m always ready. Give me those cans. (puts on headphones)

Cameron: (in booth) Alright then. It’s on you, Jay.

(Beat starts)

Jay-Z: Alright. Here we go, now. Hov batting clean-up. Now watch me bring ‘em home:

I lay tracks like Chinese slaves
Get head for days
At a time, to unwind, catch weak shit like Willie Mays
Throw it back at ya
I’m your motherfuckin’ mastah
Jay remains top the game, I’m LED, you barely plasma
Because you broke, bitch
And you a joke, bitch
If you was any less a man than you would grow tits
And you can suck…

(Beat stops)

Cameron: Uh, Jay?

Jay-Z: Shit, man, I was killin’ that. What’d you stop rolling for?

Cameron: Sorry about that. No doubt that was tight. And far be it for me to interfere with a master at work. It’s just that…um…we were kind of going with a different feel for this track.

Jay-Z: What’chu mean?

Cameron: Well, we’re recording this song for the kids, you know?

Jay-Z: What kids?

Cameron: The, um, children in Africa living with AIDS?

Jay-Z: Oh, shit, that’s right. Say no more, professor. I feel you. Hit me up with that beat again.

Cameron: Great. (beat starts) Any time you’re ready, Jay. Just think about the kids.

Jay-Z: Alright now. This one’s for all my l’il African babies with AIDS out there! It’s your boy Jigga. Little gift for y’all. Just don’t be Somali piratin’ my shit. Heh. One time:

Ding ding ding
Here come the King
Of the world
Boys and girls
Girls and boys
Make some noise
I’m visiting y’all in Africa, while I laugh at ya,
Riding in on the Concorde that you can’t afford
Takin’ off them models’ Ts like my name was Henry Ford
They stopped flying it, so I’m buying it
And filling it with stewardesses so I’ll be mile-highing it
They say ‘fasten up your seatbelts’ while I’m undoing they blouses
While you sub-Saharan faggots watch me quiet as mouses
You wanna step to Jay? Your weak shit ends today
I will put you in the ground like Quday and Usay…

Cameron: Okay, okay, hold on.

(Beat stops)

Jay-Z: Man, there you go again. What was wrong with that one?

Cameron: It’s just…Jay, you’re being very aggressive in that song, and it sounds like the aggression is directed towards the children. Remember, these are babies. Babies with AIDS!

Jay-Z: Hmm.

Cameron: And making light of the fact that they’re poor is not…this song is supposed to be raising awareness about their plight!

Jay-Z: Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay, man, I think I got you. The song’s not supposed to be for the kids. It’s supposed to be about them. To help them.

Cameron: Exactly.

Jay-Z: Well that ain’t what you said before. I just thought I was supposed to be delivering them a hot new Jay track, free of charge. I didn’t know you wanted me to get all political.

Cameron: Well, I apologize if I was unclear.

Jay-Z: No sweat, man. Do me a favour - hit my beat again, and let’s do this one for real.

Cameron: Awesome, Jay. Thanks for being so understanding. This is going to make a big difference to a lot of kids.

(Beat starts)

Jay-Z: (kisses crucifix around neck) Some words of wisdom for all my young ones who be hurting out there. Coming straight from the heart now. Here we go:

I been there, little baby, so I know what it means
To get burned taking your turn on a baby bitch who wasn’t clean
You keep a rubber in your pamper on the side that they don’t wipe
But that shit dulls all the fun of laying itty bitty pipe
So you threw that shit aside and you went and kicked it raw
And you weren’t hurting anybody and you weren’t breaking any law
But now you buggin, bud, cuz you got the bug in your blood
That pussy habit was a rabbit that you chased liked Elmer Fudd
Your johnson’s all burned up like it was Rome and she was Nero
On October twenty-seventh I dropped DJ Hero
Now Jay ain’t got to wear a rubber cause my girl she’s fresh and clean
But I know them groupie girls in Africa got the shit to turn your dick green
So take a lesson from Jay - put the l’il pistol away
And focus your time and your mind on getting your shit straight
Take the pills them doctors tell you and e’rything will be right
And oh yeah, I’m retiring again
Good night

(Slams microphone on the ground)

(Beat stops)

Jay-Z: Now that was it, baby!

Cameron: …

Jay-Z: Speechless, ain’t cha?

Cameron: I…I…

Jay-Z: Thought so. Man, press that shit. I’m out. You’re welcome.

(Jay-Z exits studio)

Cameron: (picks up phone) Hey, Russell? I’d say about one usable line. Well, it’s either that or tell him he’s been cut. Me? Why do I have to…alright, fine. Fine! (hangs up, dials number) Hey Jay? Yeah, it’s Cameron. Listen, good news and bad news. The good news is, uh, they found a cure for babies with AIDS. Yep. I know, amazing. The bad news, obviously, is that there is no need to release the…what’s that? Um, I’m not sure. I think it was an Australian drug company. Uh, yeah, I guess they would be a good investment. I-I don’t know if they’re listed on the NYSE…

Why? Because he’s funny, dammit. The world deserves to know about it. Many would say the same thing about his lingering STIs as well, but that’s between Spud and his doctor. Or at least between Spud and the bus driver Spud talks about his health issues with.

“Do all Nascar’s come with manual transmission, or can I get one that’s Illmatic?”

“If you are out on a date with a bus driver, I bet it really helps your chances of getting laid if you pay for dinner in exact change.”

“Worst part about working at the head office for Levi’s? Uptight Fridays. Everyone pays $2 and has to wear a tuxedo.”

“Hedo Turkoglu deletes pic off woman’s cell after he sees flash go off at club. Actually, I believe his exact words were ‘FIRE BAD!’ ”

“For most children, Take Yr Kid 2 Work Day was a welcome break from school. But for us sons of school bus drivers, it was a cruel cosmic joke.”

“If you felt dorky watching Avatar with 3D glasses, try it with glasses under the 3D glasses. I just needed 2 inhalers to complete the look.”

“I don’t think Urban Outfitters should be allowed to sell overalls. They’ve made their choice.”

“My neighbourhood is so progressive. The store down the street sells license plate borders proclaiming the driver is gay, and proud of it.” — “Well, technically what they say is “I’d rather be playing volleyball”. But the rest is implied. You go, fellas!”

“Love to be a fly on the wall at the meeting of NBC execs right now. Mostly because they’d probably be desperately looking to me for ideas.”

“U.S. immediately pledges military and disaster relief support to Haiti; New Orleans: “We’ll try not to take this personally.”

“Note to NBC: if one of her kids was unfunny, untrustworthy, and slowly choking her to death, Sophie wouldn’t have had that hard of a choice.”

“Every time I get up early to scrape ice off my car, I think to myself, “why do I live in Canada?” Then I remember, “oh, witness relocation.”

“Just want to welcome the wall-climbing old lady from the Legion preview to my nightmares for the next little while. Make room, vampire Alf.”

“To be fair, Mr. Walmart manager, the sign says not to bring “merchandise” into the washroom. It doesn’t say anything about “a prostitute”.” - “Unless, of course, it’s company policy that women are commodities to be sold? Oh, it isn’t? Then what say we let this whole thing slide, eh?”

“A: Cold sore. Q: What two words did a defrosted Ted Williams use to describe how he felt?”

Follow the titillating tuber himself at http://twitter.com/GourmetSpud

Brendan Fraser seems like a genuinely nice guy. Scratch that. Brendan Fraser seems like a massive, massive dork. A massive dork who has made an insane amount of money doing exactly what he loves, all without putting on a pretense of being anything other than what he is, that being a massive, massive dork. For that, he should be my idol.

But he isn’t. Instead, he’s one of the few actors who’s performances can actually make me angry. And not angry in a “he is so effective at playing an asshole that I can’t distinguish between the actor and the character” way, but in a “god damnit, what went wrong today where it ended with me watching a Brendan Fraser movie?” way.

I find the casting of his new movie, Extraordinary Measures, kinda funny, because Brendan Fraser is, in many ways, the poor man’s Harrison Ford. Both have starred in extremely successful blockbuster franchises (Fraser in The Mummy movies and an inevitable Journey to the Center of The Earth trilogy, and Ford in the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films, not to mention Regarding Henry Parts I, II and IV). And both are very bad at acting. But Ford’s blockbusters are good movies, while Fraser’s are not. And Harrison Ford is super cool (even with an earring), while Brendan Fraser is not. But then again, Fraser seems to be okay with being a massive, massive dork…and doesn’t that make him the super coolest of them all?

No, it does not. And if you need another reason why he should be publicly flogged, this should do nicely.

On to the faces!

The “Say Fraser - How’d a Dumbshit Like You Land a Girl Like That?”

The “Babies Come From Where?”

The “Sigh. Yes, Brendan. From There”

The “I Said, ‘Hand Me Your God Damn Wallet, Or I’ll Scream That You Asked For My Phone Number’.”

The “Did You Remember to Wash your Hands, Brendan?”

(more…)

(Multiplex, downtown Toronto. Chris Bosh, Andrea Bargnani, Hedo Turkoglu and Jose Calderon arrive for a showing of Avatar)

Bosh: Here, man, there’s four seats right back here.

Bargnani: I wanna to sit on dee end.

Bosh: Why do you get to sit on the end?

Bargnani: Because I have the longest-ah legs, that’s-ah why!

Turkoglu: GRAAARRRGHHH!

Bosh: Fine, whatever. Jose, move down one.

Guy in Front: Hey! Keep it down back there!

Bosh: (whispering) Keep it down, guys.

Jose: (whispering) Ooh! Even the previews are in 3D! Quickly, everyone, put on your glasses!

(All put on 3D glasses)

Bargnani: What is-ah the name of this-ah movie?

Bosh: Avatar.

Bargnani: Avatar? Like-ah the cheese?

Turkoglu: GLAAAGGH!

Bargnani: You’re right, Hedo. I was thinking about-ah the Havarti.

Jose: Christopher? Do you like some of my popcorn?

Bosh: Naw, I’m good, thanks.

Bargnani: Give some to me!

(Grabs huge handful of Jose’s popcorn)

Jose: Hey! Not so much!

Bargnani: Whadda you gonna do about it?

Guy in front: Man, I said shut up back there!

(All fall silent, stare at floor)

Jose: (whispering) What do you try to do, Andrea? Make us all to get killed?

Bargnani: (throws piece of popcorn at Jose)

Turkoglu: GLLUUUUNNNKK?

Bosh: James Cameron. Same guy that did Titanic.

Turkoglu: GRRRARRRRP!

Bosh: Sorry, thought you asked who directed it. I’m not sure who did the cinematography.

Bargnani: This-ah reminds me of-ah the Smurfs.

Bosh: Y’all had the Smurfs growing up in Italy?

Bargnani: Of course. They was actually very close-ah friends witta my family.

Bosh: Who?

Bargnani: Whadda do you mean ‘who’? The Smurfs.

Bosh: Now I know you’re bullshitting. The Smurfs weren’t real.

Bargnani: Do you call Bargnani a liar?

Turkoglu: BLLLUNNNCCCHHH!

Bargnani: No, you are the name-dropper!

Jose: (stretching hand out in front of him) Ooh! I can almost touch the spaceship! (accidentally pokes Guy in front in back of head) Oops!

Guy in front: THAT’S IT!

(Guy in front stands up. He is a thirteen-year-old kid, approximately 5′4, 105 lbs.)

Jose: Gulp.

Kid in front: Which one of you head-pokin’-can’t-shut-the-fuck-up-motherfuckers is gonna be a dead man?

Bargnani: (crouched behind seat) It was heem! (points to Jose)

Jose: Snitch!

Bosh: I’m just going to hit the concession stand, guys, I’ll be right back.

Kid: Yeah, you better run.

Bosh: (walking away) Shit, man, Chris Bosh doesn’t run from anybody. Didn’t you see that one time against the Celtics where KG screamed in my face and I rolled my eyes dismissively at him? Is that something a guy who runs away would… (voice trails off as Bosh quickly exits theatre)

Kid: (to Jose) So what do you got to say for yourself, hombre?

Jose: (clenches fists) Y-you is nothing but a big bully, sir!

Kid: So do something about it.

Turkoglu: PLLLAAAANNNK!

Kid: (to Turkoglu) What? Say that again! I dare you to ask when my parents are picking me up again!

Jose: Leave my friend Hedo alone!

Turkoglu: STRAACCCCHHH!

Kid: Oh, that’s it. (advances towards Turkoglu)

Jose: Hey! If you want to fight him, you must pass through Jose first! (gets down in defensive stance)

Kid: Fine.

(Kid puts a spin move on Jose. Jose instantly crumples to the floor)

Jose: Gasp! Él es un guepardo!

(Kid picks Turkoglu up over his shoulders and starts spinning him)

Turkoglu: (panicked) RAAAARRRP! RAAAAARRRP!

Jose: (holding ankle) There is no Amir here to save us, Hedo! Pretend that you are dead!

Bargnani: (puts 3D glasses back on) Heh heh heh. The old one is like-ah the Papa Smurf! (grabs Jose’s popcorn, continues watching movie crouched on floor)

______________

Sidenote: Do you like Twitter? Do you like too many jokes about unicorns? Well than this is your lucky day!

Ah, there’s nothing like being in the office on Christmas Eve. It’s like a ghost town here. Which means I can wear jeans and my favourite racist t-shirt, play music with the door open, and raid the unguarded supply room for last-minute stocking stuffers (printer cartridges for everyone!).

It also means I can leave at noon and hit the highway for m’hometown, never to return…until January 2nd. Which means until then, things are going to be even slower here than they have been for the last little while. And on that note, we do apologize for the infrequency of posting lately. The four contributors to this tiny little blog have been dealing with, respectively, an ever increasing brood of children, writing-inhibiting upper body injuries, a lovely case of H1N1, and general, unexplained laziness (try to guess which is which!).

But we’ll be back full bore in the New Year, and hopefully so will you. In the meantime, enjoy your holidays. Or, if you’ve been screwed over by the man and don’t get holidays, show him just how badly an unfairly treated employee can screw things up in a short period of time.

But above all else, be safe. Or, at the very least, don’t get murdered. Because the best we can offer by way of a eulogy is a punchline in Blue’s headlines. And as the family of a certain victim of extreme ghost hunting might tell you, that’s hardly a tribute at all.

We’re still in mourning here in the first day of the No-Halladay Era, so here is an article I wrote for the good ship Sportspickle. It’s a harrowing tale of capitalism gone mad!