The boys of Food Court Lunch are a hardworking bunch. We slave away at our jobs to pay the bills, and then slave away at this website to keep you parasitic, hypercritical, heartless bastards folks amused. We are just simple joes trying to work hard and make something of ourselves. Well, now we know better — we are goddamned suckers. We should have been using our “Act 19 Special Miracle Prayer Handkerchief” to get rich quick, bitches.
By now everyone in Toronto has heard the news that Raps play-by-play announcer Chuck Swirsky will be leaving the team for personal reasons, and taking over radio announcing duties for the Chicago Bulls. For those unfamiliar with Chuck, he was an extremely animated, unabashed homer, which made him relatively polarizing to Raps fans. Those of us at FCL who still possess the capacity to love and be loved (i.e. everyone but Butter Chicken) loved the Swirsk for this very reason. And for many others.
Below is an incomplete list of some other things we will miss about this happy little maniac. Regardless of who replaces him, rest assured we have sworn an oath to boo him for at least the first month of next season.
1. Chuck is the only media personality in television history to be featured in a commercial in which he receives a golden shower.
2. Whenever he felt that the Raptors had the game safely in hand, Chuck would deliver his famous, “you can break out the salami and cheese, Mama, this ball game is over!” line. (He says he started doing this in response to a fan who requested that he give some indication as to when he could safely leave the room to go make a sandwich).
But on rare occasions, Chuck would get overly excited and break the line out early, which would promptly be followed by the other team staging a furious comeback. To our knowledge, he was never wrong, but you could actually sense the panic in his voice as Richard Jefferson started nailing a couple of late 3s. We loved that he genuinely cared about the integrity of his Salami and Cheese, which is more than we can say for the deli counter at Loblaws.
3. There is shtick homerism, and then there is genuine fandom. Chuck was definitely the latter. We are convinced that there are still refs in the league he won’t make eye contact with after last year’s playoff loss to the Nets. And while we are not saying he hopes that Tim Donaghy gets violated in prison, we are pretty sure he at least hopes he gets lightly roughed up.
4. We loved the incident where his booth partner Leo Rautins intentionally broke his Chuck Swirsky bobblehead during the pre-game show. We especially loved the fact that this visibly rattled Chuck. We wish we had video of this.
5. On a non-basketball related note, you will never find a man who looks more like the ideal candidate for getting shot out of a cannon. He just seems like he would travel a long way, and probably enjoy every second of the trip.
6. We never got tired of hearing him routinely make light of his (other) booth partner Jack Armstrong’s alcoholism.
7. He could make jokes about avoiding premature ejaculation without sounding creepy, which is hard for a man over 40 to pull off. Just ask Rick Majerus.
8. Most importantly, and what probably rang most true for fans in Toronto, the guy genuinely loved his job, and it showed. In a city that will never find it in its heart to forgive one Vincent Lamar Carter (and rightfully so), that went a hell of a long way.
So we join in with the thousands of others he has most certainly been hearing from these past few days, and say good luck, Chuck, and we’ll miss you. Be careful in Hicag. At the very least, stay the hell away from this guy:
*Thanks to Tuna Casserole and Tarmac Waterfall for the help.*
Addendum: We can’t believe we left off the fact that Chuck was the only reason Brandon Roy was not the unanimous Rookie of the Year last season. His vote? Andrea Bargnani, natch.
As editors of a non-profit sports and entertainment blog, we are regularly granted exclusive access to sporting events. Some sports writers might use this unfettered access to get the inside scoop on professional athletes in their native environment; namely, the locker room.
But we at Food Court Lunch do things a little bit differently. We know that the canned answers that professional athletes dole out like homespun wisdom in locker room interviews rarely tell anything about what is actually going in the athletes’ heads. We’ve discovered that you can actually learn more about a professional athlete by spending some time in the athletes’ parking lot, looking at what is printed on their license plates. It’s like a window into their souls.
What follows is Food Court Lunch’s definitive list of actual vanity license plates of professional athletes. We leave the conclusions as to what each of the plates actually says about the athlete’s state of mind up to you.
While watching the movie The Firm on a recent flight (Air Canada’s copy of The Secret Garden must have been chewed up by the VCR), we were struck by a jarring revelation, not unlike a young girl who has just discovered a secret key to a wondrous and magical garden.
Tom Cruise has been living a lie.
Yes, the world’s most famous actor has saved perhaps his greatest role for real life. Mr. Top Gun, Mr. Mission Impossible, Mr. Far and Away is a far different person than the one he and his crack publicity team have crafted for public consumption. You might say he has been leading a “double life” of sorts.
That is, until now.
We know your secret, Tom. And we have the proof to back it up.
You heard it here first. Tom Cruise is…Ray.
It’s true, Tom is not his real name. And even more surprisingly, the proof has always been literally right in front of our eyes. Cruise has (either cleverly or subconsciously) hidden his real moniker in movies spanning his entire career. You don’t believe us? Ob-zoyve!
The year: 1983 The movie: Risky Business
The clue: ”Tom” burst onto the scene in the early-80s in his first leading role, playing a privileged teen who gets into all sorts of prostitute-related hi-jinx while his parents are away on vacation. The film was a big hit, and it announced Cruise to the world as a box-office presence to be reckoned with. But its real legacy would lie in Cruise’s popularization of a fashion accessory that would sweep North America in a way that it would not be swept again (that is, until the introduction of ironic t-shirts). That fashion accessory? Ray-Ban Wayfarers! Trust us, it gets better.
The year: 1988 The movie: Rain Man
The clue: In arguably his most critically acclaimed movie, Cruise starred as Charlie Babbitt, a selfish, manipulative yuppie who discovers that there is more to life than wealth after taking a cross-country trip with his autistic brother, played by Dustin “Lisa’s Teacher” Hoffman. That country’s name? America. That brother’s name? Ray Babbitt! Still not convinced? You will be.
Last week the Hudson’s Bay Company (or “HBC” or “The Bay” to those in the know) revealed the Canadian team uniforms for the upcoming Beijing Olympics. Given that HBC is the oldest company in North America (it began as a fur trading company in the 17th century), we had initially thought that the uniforms would be done in a conservative, traditional fashion. I mean, look at the Canadian uniform from the 2006 Torino Winter Games:
Ever since HBC was awarded the uniform contract instead of Roots, there have been some questionable choices made with respect to these outfits. How is it going to be different this time? Tell us, Suzanne Timmins, Olympic designer:
“We really brought fashion to the Olympics,” says a chuffed Suzanne Timmins, fashion director of The Bay.
Bold talk, woman. What makes it so damn fashionable?
“We all see Kanye West in this outfit,” jokes Timmins.
Kanye West? He certainly is fashionable. Those glasses he wears are all the rage now. I myself own several pairs.
We were sceptical. Cynical. We were expecting the worst. Instead, we here at Food Court Lunch were blown away the choices made by HBC. Daring, outrageous, futuristic…
ZUBAZ!!!!
HBC made a wise choice with respect to these uniforms. Never mind all of that high-falutin’ fashion talk — put yourselves in the shoes (or pants) of the average sports fan. What would that sports fan want to wear when he’s going to the mall, tail-gating before a game, or being arrested on spousal assault charges? I think the answer is obvious.
When our athletes parade through Beijing’s Olympic stadium looking like a white trash lynch mob, our hearts are going to soar with pride. The Maple Leaf and Zebra Stripe Forever. I have never been more proud of an item of Canadian clothing (except perhaps for that Bolero hat I stole off of Mitsou).
That’s even better. That increases the possibility that the pants are made from real zebra. Either that or some sort of toxic, lead-based fabric. Either way, people will be talking about Canada, and that’s all we really care about.
Before reading the article, I feared (like most people) that Walker, Texas Ranger star Charles “Don’t Call Me Chuck” Norris had been rushed to the hospital with spleen complications. And, like most people, I cried. A lot. After all, who the hell would now tell poor Haley Joel that he has the AIDS?!?!? Amazingly, my fragile emotional state only worsened when I read the actual article. For I soon learned that while Chuck’s spleen was fine (thank God!), the spleen of the collectivity known as “North American hockey journalists” had come down with a serious case of retard.
Allow me to explain the symptoms. A Google news search for “Avery” and “spleen” brings up an impressive 1,083 hits (now likely 1,084, given that foodcourtlunch.com is heavily relied upon as a source for hard-hitting internet news, as well as tasty cooking tips). You throw the word “star” into that search, and you get an astounding 46 hits. Accounting for those online newspaper publications that snuck the word “star” into their corporate title (kudos to the clever folks at The Windsor Star and The Star-Ledger), this still leaves a disturbing number of “news” articles describing Sean Avery of the New York Rangers as a “star”. A star with a lacerated spleen.
Grand Theft Auto IV seems to be all over the news this week, with the big question being whether it will make more money than Iron Man. Although I haven’t played a videogame since Pac-Man (technically, it was tabletop Ms. Pac-Man), I’m not much of a Black Sabbath fan so I figured I’d give “GTA4″ (as the kids like to call it) a whirl. Anyhow, the basic concept of videogames can’t have changed all that much since the early 1980s. A set of rules to follow, which will help your heavily pixelated character (typically in the form of a pie graph with a bow) achieve a basic objective (typically involving the consumption of tasty gold pellets).
After watching a short film (I believe it was by Roberto Benigni) about a European immigrant arriving via freighter in “Liberty City” (a fairly obvious take on Chicago), I was left to control this clean-cut gentleman as he negotiated his way through life in his new surroundings. Having performed some fairly unsavoury tasks on behalf of my character’s cousin, my character was offered employment as a cab driver. Finally, a point to this game!
Suddenly, I began to see why the kids were so crazy about this game! My pulse raced as I picked up and dropped off my fares, as we “hacks” refer to them in the biz. Although I mistakenly believed that I had previously honed my videogame driving skills in Pole Position, I found the driving to be surprisingly tricky. Nevertheless, the lessons I learned in Young Drivers of Canada proved to have much more staying power. Some simple ground viewing techniques as I drove down crowded streets allowed me to swiftly avoid the many pedestrians. And Left-Center-Right scanning as I approached intersections also helped me avoid some close calls with other vehicles. Sometimes these law-breakers were police cars! (But, then again, I guess we’ve all heard the stories about how they drive in Chicago… I mean “Liberty City.”) A tip for new players: be sure to go slowly over toll bridges so that you can pay the fare- I accidentally ran through the toll gate and was quickly stopped by law enforcement. Fortunately, I was released shortly thereafter at a police station, with what I can only assume was a minor traffic ticket.
To assist budding GTA4 players, my mom and I spent the evening compiling this helpful instructional video which should get you through the basics:
In short, I fail to see what all the fuss is about. The critics have simply missed the mark on this one. GTA4 is a nice little driving game, which (rightfully) punishes the player (quite severely, I might add) for breaking basic traffic rules. What child wouldn’t benefit from learning these skills in preparation for the “real world”? Tomorrow, I’m planning to take my character out for a well-deserved drink at a place called “Honkers” (I assume it’s the local watering hole for my fellow cabbies). Stay tuned, blog-readers!
The funny thing about sex tapes involving American icons from the 1960s (Marilyn Monroe, etc.) is how relatively quaint the action is. No, I have not watched this sex tape, but I’m pretty sure it basically features Jimi walking around saying things like “groovy!”
Classic story line. Fatty murders someone. Fatty goes to jail. Fatty gets hungry. Fatty starts lawsuit. Fatty does one-third of his sentence, gets out on parole, and becomes celebrity pitchman for Subway.
Oh, those enterprising Eastern European sex slaves and their goofy get-rich-quick schemes! Did you know that the City of Toronto maintains a database of licensed strippers? Your tax dollar-bills at work!
We have officially entered “slow news day” territory. Nothing funny here, unless you can picture a poor elderly couple driving away, bickering, and the husband says “Well, I’m sorry, but the darn thing came out of nowhere!”
My apologies for making light of a horrible situation. But frankly, the teacher should know better. Instead of focusing on being a good teacher and getting to school on time, she’s consistently tardy.
Once again Food Court Lunch has the exclusive scoop: Two league sources have confirmed that Pat Riley is set to assume control of Toronto Raptors.
Sounds crazy, but it’s true. We thoroughly checked it out. The two league sources, who wish to remain unidentified, indicated that a press conference could be coming as soon as Monday morning. Now, our readers may be skeptical about the likelihood of getting Pat Riley behind the bench for the young Raptors, but consider the following:
The two league sources were overheard on the subway after the Raptors’ game 5 loss to the Orlando Magic on Monday night talking about what went wrong for the Raptors, and both sources agreed that Sam Mitchell “knows fuck all” about basketball and that “big time changes” need to be made;
The other source quickly noted that Riley is a “big time coach”;
Then both sources agreed that GM Bryan Colangelo will undoubtedly “pull the trigger” and “get Riley’s ass behind the bench”; and
Apparently satisfied that a deal had been reached, both sources then high-fived.
I know! We’re just as excited as you are! What’s that? You’re still not convinced? Just who are these sources, you say? Well, consider this: Both of the league sources were wearing Raptors jerseys! One was wearing an circa 1997 Oliver Miller jersey, and the other was wearing a 2005 Keon Clark away jersey. Exactly. We can only assume that the two sources were senior members of the Raptors’ executive braintrust.
We at Food Court Lunch wish to extend our most heartfelt welcome to coach Riley! Surely this groundbreaking announcement will be exactly what our beloved Raptors need to get over the hump and get past the first round of the playoffs next year. What’s next, an NBA finals appearance????? Or a 15-67 finish????
With today’s sports media so myopically focused on the “commercial” sports (i.e., NBA basketball, ML baseball, NASCAR, the World Lawn Bowls Championship), too often do the lesser-known sporting events fall between the cracks. Well no more! In keeping with our self-imposed mandate of bringing you, our seven readers, the finest in mindless frippery (yes, that’s right - I dropped the “f-bomb”), we proudly present our weekly update on “Unknown Sports, Hobbies and Activities That No One Has Heard Of, Except The Participants And Their Mothers“:
Synchronized Diving
In the event that you have recently been dwelling in a cave lacking an internet connection and/or cable, the Federation Internationale de Natation’s synchronized diving circuit continued to rage this week in the home of under-aged drunken debauchery, nervous donkeys, and international diving (apparently) - Tijuana, Mexico. The question on everyone’s mind, of course, was who would walk away with the coveted gold medal(s) in the 10-metre women’s event. Would Canada’s Marleau & Heymans manage to put together a winning performance, or would China’s Xin Wang & Ruo Lin Chen walk away as the victors in this hotly contested battle? More importantly, would anyone ultimately care? Well, we’re sad to report that Wang/Chen out-dove the Canadians, and still no one cares. However, we did manage to track down exclusive footage of the Canadian performance:
Gymnastics
Unbeknownst to this savvy sports journalist, gymnastics is no longer confined to an after-school activity for 13 year-old girls. Apparently, it is also “played” (?) by adults, many of whom convened this week in beautiful downtown Maribor, Slovenia to compete in the Gymnastics World Cup. Not surprisingly, all eyes were on the uneven bars event, where three young women with four multi-syllabic last names earned medals for their respective performances. Canada’s Elyse Hopfner-Hibbs and Kristina Vaculik topped the podium, with Poland’s Marta Pihan taking the bronze (to the dismay of the Vegas sports books). In a sense, however, we were all winners simply by witnessing this glorious athletic competition. Again, the Food Court Lunch investigative team managed to get its hands on the following exclusive footage of the event:
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