Fri 10 Feb 2012
Fri 10 Feb 2012
Mon 6 Feb 2012
(Kim’s Laundry, mid-afternoon. Doorbell chimes. Darren Rovell walks in)
Kim: Good morning, sir.
Darren Rovell: (furiously scans store from floor to ceiling)
Rovell: (counting quickly and softly to self)
Kim: Can I help you, sir?
Rovell: THIS STORE IS 400 SQUARE FEET IN SIZE!
Kim: Sounds about right. If you don’t count the area in back.
Rovell: (confused, starts marching towards back)
Kim: Whoa there, buddy. You can’t go back there.
Kim: What can I do for you?
Rovell: IS THIS A LAUNDROMAT?
Kim: It sure is. But you don’t need to shout.
Rovell: HERE. (drops cloth bag on counter)
Kim: What do we have in here?
Rovell: THESE ARE MY DRESS SHIRTS.
Rovell: WELL, NOT ALL OF MY DRESS SHIRTS. JUST SOME OF THEM.
Rovell: I HAVE OVER SIXTY OF THEM.
Kim: Sounds like you’re well stocked.
Rovell: 61 TO BE EXACT.
Kim: You don’t say.
Rovell: I JUST DID SAY.
Kim: So you did. So, you want me to dry clean these, or…
Rovell: THE DRY-CLEANING INDUSTRY WAS PARTICULARLY HARD HIT BY THE RECESSION, WITH REVENUE DROPPING 21% BETWEEN 2008 TO 2011.
Kim: You don’t need to tell me that.
Rovell: BUT I DID JUST TELL…
Kim: I know. So you want these shirts cleaned?
Rovell: I WANT THEM MONOGRAMMED.
Kim: I can do that.
Rovell: AND IF I LIKE YOUR WORK, I MAY MENTION YOU ON TWITTER TO MY 175,000 FOLLOWERS.
Kim: Well I’ll have to do a good job, then.
Rovell: (folds arms, closes eyes, nods repeatedly)
Kim: Monograph on the cuff?
Kim: And what should it say?
Kim: Pardon me?
Kim: You’re losing me.
Rovell: IT’S MY TWITTER NAME.
Kim: I see. And what does that mean?
Rovell: GRRRR. CLEARLY YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THE 175,000. I WANT IT TO BE THE “@” SYMBOL, FOLLOWED BY MY NAME, WHICH IS…
Kim: Darren Rovell.
Rovell: DARREN RO…yes.
Kim: Here’s the problem, Darren – a monogram is normally only initials. Two, three letters max.
Rovell: (counts to self) @DARRENROVELL HAS 13 LETTERS.
Kim: Exactly, that’s the prob…
Rovell: THAT’S IF YOU COUNT THE “@” AS A LETTER, WHICH I THINK FOR OUR PURPOSES, WE SHOULD.
Kim: I agree. But regardless…
Rovell: BUT I WOULD EXPECT YOU TO MAYBE THROW IN THE “@” FOR FREE.
Kim: I’d be happy to, Darren, but my real concern is ruining the shirts.
Rovell: I DON’T WANT YOU TO RUIN THEM.
Kim: Of course not. But a monogram that long, it’ll look kind of silly.
Kim: Know what I mean? How about we just go with “D.R.”?
Rovell: I DON’T WANT @DR! @DR BARELY HAS 700 FOLLOWERS! I HAVE 175,000!
Kim: Not “@DR”. Just D period R period. The classic look.
Rovell: CLASSIC? WHAT PART OF A SYNERGISTIC SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Kim: Uh…all of it?
Rovell: SO ARE YOU SAYING YOU WON’T HELP ME?
Kim: I want to help you, but I don’t want to mess up your clothes.
Rovell: ARRRGGGH. (whips out Blackberry)
Rovell: (types furiously)
Kim: (shrugs shoulders)
Rovell: HERE! (shows Kim a tweet reading, “Kim’s Laundry – Worst customer service I’ve ever received! Not how a small business survives.”)
Kim: Hey! That’s not nice.
Rovell: NO IT ISN’T. AND IF I PUSH THAT ‘TWEET’ BUTTON, GUESS HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE IT?
Rovell: PLUS RETWEETS.
Kim: Look, buddy, I don’t want any trouble. You want a thirteen character monogram, I’ll give you a thirteen character monogram.
Kim: (sighs, begins writing up ticket)
Rovell: Y’KNOW, YOU SHOULD REALLY GET YOURSELF A WEB PRESENCE.
Kim: I’ll get right on that. Next Friday okay for pick-up?
Rovell: (staring at picture on wall) IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER?
Kim: Yep. That’s my baby girl. Just started college this year. Her mother and I are so darn proud…
Rovell: SIX OUT OF TEN!
Wed 25 Jan 2012
Thu 24 Nov 2011
Thu 24 Nov 2011
Suh learned from the Master.
Mon 17 Oct 2011
(Local GameStop store. Noon on Tuesday)
Me (approaching counter): Hi.
Me: Do you have the Batman game?
GameStopper: What do you mean, ‘the Batman game’? There’s about forty of them.
Me: The…one that’s being advertised on the six-foot cardboard cut-out in front of your store?
GameStopper: You mean ‘Arkham City’.
Me: Yeah. The one that came out today.
GameStopper: Yeah, we’ve got it.
Me: Great. Can I have one?
GameStopper: Sure. Last name?
GameStopper: Last. Name.
Me: Why do you need my last name?
GameStopper: You did pre-order, right?
GameStopper: (incredulous) No?
Me: I mean…I don’t think so.
GameStopper: Hey Jared! Jared!
(Another GameStopper walks over)
GameStopper: Get this – this guy just asked me for a copy of Arkham City…
GameStopper: But he didn’t pre-order!
Jared: What? He knows it came out today, right?
Me: Look guys, do you have a copy or not?
Me: Can I have one?
GameStopper: (walks over and picks one up off a pile of fifty)
Me: Wow. Looks like I just made it.
GameStopper: Yeah, well, if this had been a few days from now…
Me: A real nail-biter. Thanks. (walks away)
GameStopper: Whatever. Jerk.
(Another customer walks up to counter)
Customer: Do you have that Batman game?
GameStopper: Which one? You know there’s about forty of them.
Customer: The one on that giant poster sitting directly behind you?
GameStopper: Oh, you mean ‘Ark…
Jared: Elvis! Did that last guy even pay for the game?
GameStopper: (scans up post) AW, FUCK!
Tue 4 Oct 2011
Walt poisoned Brock. Here’s why:
This would be the ultimate, and internally consistent, turn towards super-villainy for Walt. The one Vince Gilligan has always spoken about i.e. how do you turn Mr. Chips into Scarface?
Prove me wrong, children! Prove me wrong!
Fri 23 Sep 2011
…guarantee void in Division III.
Tue 13 Sep 2011
“I am numb, in shock, & devastated to report that my home of 21 years … has been destroyed, condemned, & deemed uninhabitable,” the rocker posted on Facebook Sunday.
This blog wonders: When will God stop punishing Canada’s rock and roll royalty?
Sun 11 Sep 2011
It’s been awhile, internet. You’re probably wondering where I’ve been. Oh, you don’t give a shit? Well, that gets rid of the uncomfortable tension.
Needless to say, I’ve been very busy since my last post. I can’t really give away details, but apparently driving while impaired is a criminal offence punishable by actual jail time. Huh. If I had known that, my volunteer bus-driving career would have had a much different trajectory.
Anyway, a little while ago, I was at my friend’s apartment building. I was on my way to the elevators when I happened up this sign on a door.
Wow. That’s certainly a way to commemorate a fad: an entire room of a condominium devoted to it. I took a look inside — yes, it was a locker room devoted to roller blades. Not inline skates, which is the newer term for them. Roller blades. It was near the elevators next to:
– the Segway garage
– the pogo stick rack
– the scooter box
– the long board lounge
– the Vespa locker
– and the roller shoe tree
I am pretty sure that you can carbon date the condominium by the choice of that room alone.