(Kim’s Laundry, mid-afternoon. Doorbell chimes. Darren Rovell walks in)

Kim: Good morning, sir.

Darren Rovell: (furiously scans store from floor to ceiling)

Kim: Hello?

Rovell: (counting quickly and softly to self)

Kim: Can I help you, sir?

Rovell: THIS STORE IS 400 SQUARE FEET IN SIZE!

Kim: Sounds about right. If you don’t count the area in back.

Rovell: (confused, starts marching towards back)

Kim: Whoa there, buddy. You can’t go back there.

Rovell: HMPH.

Kim: What can I do for you?

Rovell: IS THIS A LAUNDROMAT?

Kim: It sure is. But you don’t need to shout.

Rovell: HERE. (drops cloth bag on counter)

Kim: What do we have in here?

Rovell: THESE ARE MY DRESS SHIRTS.

Kim: Okay.

Rovell: WELL, NOT ALL OF MY DRESS SHIRTS. JUST SOME OF THEM.

Kim: Uh-huh.

Rovell: I HAVE OVER SIXTY OF THEM.

Kim: Sounds like you’re well stocked.

Rovell: 61 TO BE EXACT.

Kim: You don’t say.

Rovell: I JUST DID SAY.

Kim: So you did. So, you want me to dry clean these, or…

Rovell: THE DRY-CLEANING INDUSTRY WAS PARTICULARLY HARD HIT BY THE RECESSION, WITH REVENUE DROPPING 21% BETWEEN 2008 TO 2011.

Kim: You don’t need to tell me that.

Rovell: BUT I DID JUST TELL…

Kim: I know. So you want these shirts cleaned?

Rovell: NO.

Kim: No?

Rovell: I WANT THEM MONOGRAMMED.

Kim: I can do that.

Rovell: AND IF I LIKE YOUR WORK, I MAY MENTION YOU ON TWITTER TO MY 175,000 FOLLOWERS.

Kim: Well I’ll have to do a good job, then.

Rovell: (folds arms, closes eyes, nods repeatedly)

Kim: Monograph on the cuff?

Rovell: YUP.

Kim: And what should it say?

Rovell: @DARRENROVELL.

Kim: Pardon me?

Rovell: @DARRENROVELL.

Kim: You’re losing me.

Rovell: IT’S MY TWITTER NAME.

Kim: I see. And what does that mean?

Rovell: GRRRR. CLEARLY YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THE 175,000. I WANT IT TO BE THE “@” SYMBOL, FOLLOWED BY MY NAME, WHICH IS…

Kim: Darren Rovell.

Rovell: DARREN RO…yes.

Kim: Here’s the problem, Darren – a monogram is normally only initials. Two, three letters max.

Rovell: (counts to self) @DARRENROVELL HAS 13 LETTERS.

Kim: Exactly, that’s the prob…

Rovell: THAT’S IF YOU COUNT THE “@” AS A LETTER, WHICH I THINK FOR OUR PURPOSES, WE SHOULD.

Kim: I agree. But regardless…

Rovell: BUT I WOULD EXPECT YOU TO MAYBE THROW IN THE “@” FOR FREE.

Kim: I’d be happy to, Darren, but my real concern is ruining the shirts.

Rovell: I DON’T WANT YOU TO RUIN THEM.

Kim: Of course not. But a monogram that long, it’ll look kind of silly.

Rovell: …

Kim: Know what I mean? How about we just go with “D.R.”?

Rovell: I DON’T WANT @DR! @DR BARELY HAS 700 FOLLOWERS! I HAVE 175,000!

Kim: Not “@DR”. Just D period R period. The classic look.

Rovell: CLASSIC? WHAT PART OF A SYNERGISTIC SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

Kim: Uh…all of it?

Rovell: SO ARE YOU SAYING YOU WON’T HELP ME?

Kim: I want to help you, but I don’t want to mess up your clothes.

Rovell: ARRRGGGH. (whips out Blackberry)

Kim: Darren?

Rovell: (types furiously)

Kim: (shrugs shoulders)

Rovell: HERE! (shows Kim a tweet reading, “Kim’s Laundry – Worst customer service I’ve ever received! Not how a small business survives.”)

Kim: Hey! That’s not nice.

Rovell: NO IT ISN’T. AND IF I PUSH THAT ‘TWEET’ BUTTON, GUESS HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE IT?

Kim: 175,000?

Rovell: PLUS RETWEETS.

Kim: Look, buddy, I don’t want any trouble. You want a thirteen character monogram, I’ll give you a thirteen character monogram.

Rovell: FINALLY.

Kim: (sighs, begins writing up ticket)

Rovell: Y’KNOW, YOU SHOULD REALLY GET YOURSELF A WEB PRESENCE.

Kim: I’ll get right on that. Next Friday okay for pick-up?

Rovell: (staring at picture on wall) IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER?

Kim: Yep. That’s my baby girl. Just started college this year. Her mother and I are so darn proud…

Rovell: SIX OUT OF TEN!

Suh learned from the Master.

(Local GameStop store. Noon on Tuesday)

Me (approaching counter): Hi.

GameStopper: Yes?

Me: Do you have the Batman game?

GameStopper: What do you mean, ‘the Batman game’? There’s about forty of them.

Me: The…one that’s being advertised on the six-foot cardboard cut-out in front of your store?

GameStopper: You mean ‘Arkham City’.

Me: Yeah. The one that came out today.

GameStopper: Yeah, we’ve got it.

Me: Great. Can I have one?

GameStopper: Sure. Last name?

Me: Huh?

GameStopper: Last. Name.

Me: Why do you need my last name?

GameStopper: You did pre-order, right?

Me: No.

GameStopper: (incredulous) No?

Me: I mean…I don’t think so.

GameStopper: Hey Jared! Jared!

(Another GameStopper walks over)

Jared: Yeah?

GameStopper: Get this – this guy just asked me for a copy of Arkham City…

Jared: Uh-huh?

GameStopper: But he didn’t pre-order!

Jared: What? He knows it came out today, right?

GameStopper: Yeah!

Jared: Unreal.

(Condescending cackling)

Me: Look guys, do you have a copy or not?

GameStopper: …

Me: …

GameStopper: …

Me: …

GameStopper: Yes.

Me: Can I have one?

GameStopper: (walks over and picks one up off a pile of fifty)

Me: Wow. Looks like I just made it.

GameStopper: Yeah, well, if this had been a few days from now…

Me: A real nail-biter. Thanks. (walks away)

GameStopper: Whatever. Jerk.

(Another customer walks up to counter)

Customer: Do you have that Batman game?

GameStopper: Which one? You know there’s about forty of them.

Customer: The one on that giant poster sitting directly behind you?

GameStopper: Oh, you mean ‘Ark…

Jared: Elvis! Did that last guy even pay for the game?

GameStopper: (scans up post) AW, FUCK!

SPOILERS APLENTY!

Walt poisoned Brock. Here’s why:

• Walt snapped when Skyler, in giving the nest egg to Ted, took his only way out. The maniacal cackling was him finally breaking.

• At that point, it was all laid bare: it’s Gus or Walt (and Walt’s family, including his infant daughter). Walt had to play all of his cards.

• His only way to get to Gus was through Jesse.

• The idea of poisoning Brock was planted, as Jesse intuitively observed, when Walt saw Brock happily playing video games on the couch at Jesse’s place.

• It was decided upon when Walt spun the gun for a third time, and it stopped on a plant, a harmless fixture in the background.

• Walt was off-screen almost the entirety of the last episode. We were led to believe he was holed up at home, but there is a narrative gap that can be filled.

• Walt knew that Jesse would ultimately agree that Gus was the only one capable of having a child killed. After all, he had done it before.

• And remember Jane. He’s done this to Jesse before, albeit indirectly. This is the next, chillingly logical step.

• Gus therefore dies. The final 18 episodes are Walt in some form of ragged command of the industry, with the cartel out the way. The main conflict is Walt v. Jesse v. Hank.

This would be the ultimate, and internally consistent, turn towards super-villainy for Walt. The one Vince Gilligan has always spoken about i.e. how do you turn Mr. Chips into Scarface?

Prove me wrong, children! Prove me wrong!

…guarantee void in Division III.

Sebastian Bach’s Home Destroyed by Hurricane Irene

“I am numb, in shock, & devastated to report that my home of 21 years … has been destroyed, condemned, & deemed uninhabitable,” the rocker posted on Facebook Sunday.

This blog wonders: When will God stop punishing Canada’s rock and roll royalty?

It’s been awhile, internet. You’re probably wondering where I’ve been. Oh, you don’t give a shit? Well, that gets rid of the uncomfortable tension.

Needless to say, I’ve been very busy since my last post. I can’t really give away details, but apparently driving while impaired is a criminal offence punishable by actual jail time. Huh. If I had known that, my volunteer bus-driving career would have had a much different trajectory.

Anyway, a little while ago, I was at my friend’s apartment building. I was on my way to the elevators when I happened up this sign on a door.

Wow. That’s certainly a way to commemorate a fad: an entire room of a condominium devoted to it. I took a look inside — yes, it was a locker room devoted to roller blades. Not inline skates, which is the newer term for them. Roller blades. It was near the elevators next to:

- the Segway garage

- the pogo stick rack

- the scooter box

- the long board lounge

- the Vespa locker

- and the roller shoe tree

I am pretty sure that you can carbon date the condominium by the choice of that room alone.